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Another Fuck Up for the List

November 18th, 2008

Yesterday, I fucked up. Bad.

Master and I are both pretty stressed right now. The move killed our finances and we’re seriously strapped for cash. We’re both doing what we can (which, for me, is proving to be not much unfortunately) to make some extra dough and trying not to snap each other’s heads off due to the stress we’re under.

Yesterday, I lost control of my “strong slave” image and broke down. Naturally, I couldn’t do it respectfully. I had to be sarcastic and throw a temper tantrum. I swear I’m a two year old trapped in a woman’s body. Which would be pretty hot if we were into age play but… we’re not. So it’s not.

Ugh… I was still too wet from my shower to put clothes on. My pants are sticking to my legs :/

We… Well, I argued for a while. Tried to excuse my behavior away. Blamed PMS and withdrawals and cabin fever and everything I could think of to make it not my fault. But it is my fault. No matter which way you slice it. There are better ways of handling things. Respectful ways of telling Him how I’m feeling. And I ignored all of them.

After a while of listening to me make excuses for myself, He stormed over to me (“What about this? Do you remember this? Have you had enough training to know this?”), grabbed my hair and shoved me to my knees pressing my face into the carpet. I knelt there like that for a while holding my breath to keep from sobbing. My body shook and my fists clenched. And I bawled.

I realized my mistake, though. I stopped making excuses. And I started apologizing.

It was nice to have Him firmly planted in “Master Mode”. To see His demeanor change when He realized there was one way and one way only to handle me at that point. There was no room for kid gloves. Things would have spiraled further out of control. Letting me continue down the path I was going without rebuking me for my actions was out of the question. The only way out was for Him to take control and give me a hard push (literally and figuratively) to where I belong.

Sometimes being a slave pisses me off. I won’t lie. It infuriates me, at times, to not be able to do what I want, when I want. To have to have permission and accept when He isn’t interested in giving me what I want.

But nights like last night? Nights like last night I realize how much I need this. Nights like last night I realize just how comfortable it is to be owned. Even when things aren’t going my way.

Now if only I could get the Aries in me to stop banging her head against the wall when things aren’t going her way I’d be set. How does one change behaviors they’ve had all their life? I guess I’m going to find out. Soon.

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