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November 11th, 2008

Wow… I’ve been quiet, eh?

Things are settling down here. I just don’t have much to talk about. Why is that? I have no idea.

We’ve been doing a lot of fucking, a lot of fighting, a lot of talking, a lot of making up… The fighting is mostly my fault. I can’t seem to shut my mouth and my temper is seriously out of control. I’m blaming it on my laundry list of psychoses that I seem to be able to control better when I have more to focus my attention on (i.e. work). I guess we’ll see as soon as we’re able to get the things we need to start putting together prototypes for our store.

Something I’ve learned over the past few weeks and cannot stress enough is how important honesty is. I’m not talking about being forthcoming when you’ve broken a rule and your dominant doesn’t know, although that, too, is important. I’m talking about being honest about your opinions, thoughts, feelings… all the things that most of our dominants ask us for and some of us, like me, aren’t always willing to give.

I think I’ve actually discussed this before (in one of my “coming home” posts at least) but I can’t stress it enough so I’m going to talk about it again.

I have a really bad habit of telling Master what I think He wants to hear. Regardless of my true feelings. There are two reasons for this.

The first is that I believed that, because I’m a slave, my opinions should always match His and when they don’t, instead of telling Him how I feel, I should just bow to His will and be done with it. But the truth of the matter is, in some cases that causes more harm than good. Especially in a relationship that is based on more than just M/s.

Our relationship, being both master/slave and husband/wife, is also based on love. Which means that, while He won’t always care what my thoughts, feelings and opinions are, He still likes to know them. Even if they go against His own. Which leads us to the second reason.

More often than not, it’s just easier to tell Him what I think He wants to hear than cause a conflict by telling Him what I really think. In the short term, anyway. Until down the road we realize I’ve been hiding my true feelings and there are things I have huge problems with. Generally speaking, the problems would have been simple to solve in the beginning. A conversation about why I didn’t like the idea or whatever and us working through it would have done wonders for my sanity.

And in those instances there are two ways to handle things. We can talk about it and work out a way for Him to get what He wants while somehow making me comfortable and without traumatizing me. Or we talk about it and He realizes there is no way around my bad feelings surrounding the situation. That leaves Him with two more choices. Push, get what He wants and clean up the pieces afterward or back off and have a happy, secure slave with only minor mental issues *grin*

But the underlying factor is the situation cannot be handled appropriately if He doesn’t know I have a problem with it.

I’m getting better. Matter of fact, one could say I have diarrhea of the mouth. I haven’t stopped telling Him how I feel about things. Whether He asks me or not.

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