Archive for October, 2008

No Holds Barred

October 4th, 2008 Comments off

It’s not easy knowing which way to go from here. Both in our relationship and on this blog. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past week or so that I didn’t know before. Which is bizarre coming from me. Because I always thought I knew myself pretty well.

The fact that I’m stubborn came as no surprise. Impetuous and unthinking didn’t really astonish me, either. The selfishness I’ve exhibited in the past week or two shocked me beyond belief.

I know people, as a general rule, are selfish. But I, being a bona fide people pleaser, always thought I did a pretty good job of curbing that. To suddenly wake up (figuratively) and realize that isn’t the case was pretty hard on me. I have enough trouble liking myself without discovering yet another flaw.

There’s been a lot of discussion since Thursday and there will probably be a lot more. But something we’ve realized is that the submissive part of me isn’t something I can just deny. When giving honest answers to His questions instead of the answers I’m trained to know, we’re finding that at the very least I will always be a submissive wife. But we’re both aiming for continuing the Master/slave part of our relationship. I’ve made a decision not to ask for the collar to be removed. I hope to keep it at all costs. I guess that means something.

And it seems like the biggest problem we have right now is there is no real line of communication. I’ve said before I’m a stuffer. Instead of telling Him when something is bothering me, I decide, without even broaching the subject with Him, that it doesn’t matter because I’m a slave and nothing will change anyway so it’s easier to just keep things to myself and not piss Him off. And this isn’t something I’ve developed since deciding slavery was the life for me. I’ve always been that way. I can remember in elementary school not telling my best friends when something they did hurt me for fear of them not liking me anymore. Amazing, huh?

I guess this makes me a hypocrite and a liar. Maybe by BDSM standards – And, hell! My standards in the past, too. – I’m a fake slave. I’m feeling a lot like a fake slave right now. I’m not really sure, anymore, what a true slave is anyway. But I am pretty certain that, while there are actual definitions for the words slave and submissive, everyone’s relationship has to be about what makes them happy and not where those lines are drawn in the semi-dry cement.  Read more…

If at first you don’t succeed…

October 3rd, 2008 Comments off

Yesterday ended well but it was bad. Really bad. And I’m not really ready to talk about it here. I’m not sure I ever will be. But the basic gist is that we’re starting back at ground zero. Master has cut the rule list way down and allowed me some things that I felt I really needed right now. Smoking cigarettes, as petty as it sounds, is one of them. I still feel weird lighting up in front of Him (it was just yesterday) but I’m sure that will pass.

I was smoking without permission (and no, that’s not why yesterday sucked) at work. I went about that the entire wrong way. I’d asked to start smoking again and He said no and that should have been that. But, being human, I am weak in some areas. Smoking, especially when there are only two people at my job who don’t, is one of them. That’s no excuse and it wasn’t fair to Him at all. It was even more unfair for me to make it something I had to have after going behind His back to have it. I guess knowing that is a step in the right direction.

In six months we’re going to revisit the smoking thing and decide whether or not it’s something I can give up. I don’t know, right now, which way that will go. Six months is a long time. Maybe I’ll try to quit again on my birthday. No guarantees.

I think things were just going way too far way too fast. I know six years isn’t “fast” but there are all sorts of extenuating circumstances. I started to feel like I couldn’t breathe. And I started to feel like Rapunzel. And neither were very good feelings. In short, I was scared.

I agreed to leave the collar in place for now and see if we can mend this part of our relationship. One thing we realized in all this is that our marriage is separate from our Master/slave relationship. And, while the Master/slave relationship is important to us, our marriage is far more important. And even if the Master/slave relationship doesn’t survive, our marriage will. That was important for me to know.

I learned a lot yesterday that I really just did not know. And I should have. If I had been paying attention instead of working on rebuilding the walls I let crumble down when we met I probably would have seen all of it. I refuse to allow this to be all His fault because it’s not. Yesterday, I thought it was. But I was wrong.

We’re taking some time to sort things out and mend the hurt. We’re already walking away from this with a deeper understanding of each other and a tighter bond. Hopefully I didn’t cause more harm than good.

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