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To: All… A slave’s apology

October 11th, 2008

I considered taking the blog about me not being able to leave down. But then I realized that would be a little dishonest to any future readers. Not to mention my past readers, at this point, know that I went off on a tangent about not being able to leave and then left.

So first I want to apologize.

To Master for thinking I knew myself well enough to promise Him something it turned out I couldn’t give at the time. And for not talking to Him when I realized things were bad enough to make me want out. And for not believing that He cared enough to work through the mess without me taking such drastic measures. And for basically blackmailing Him into giving me things that I really didn’t have to have to begin with but thought I did. I haven’t proven myself to be very much of a slave.

And I want to apologize to my readers. For putting myself out there as something I wasn’t.

I wasn’t as enslaved as I wanted everyone, self included, to believe I was.

I could say I’ve repeatedly mentioned the fact that I’m not infallible. I could pretend it can all be brushed under the rug with the shrug of a shoulder and everything will just be perfect. But the fact of the matter is I caused some serious trust issues between Master and I and things will probably take a while to fix.

I can’t say I blame Him for not trusting my word right now. My word meant shit last Thursday when I fled.

I learned a lot about myself in the past few weeks that I didn’t know before. And I realized that, while I pay lip service to the fact that a relationship takes two (or three, or ten, or however many are involved) people working hard to succeed, I didn’t really practice what I preached. I’ve committed myself to working hard on this relationship.

What does that mean?

That means opening my mouth when things are amiss no matter the consequences. That means actively trying to show Master that I am where I want to be and I do want to work on this. That means figuring out ways to help Him feel more secure in our relationship and trust me again.

It’s going to be a long road. We’ve taken one step in the right direction. I quit my job. My last day is October 31st. And Master left it entirely up to me. I decided it’s time for me to spend some time at home again just concentrating on us. Not to mention this gives me the opportunity to get the store I’ve always wanted up and running. And with the coming move (we’re moving again… landlord’s moving his daughter in) I won’t be able to get to and from work anyway.

This is where I want to be. Even as I left I wanted to be here. I just didn’t think I could be any longer. I didn’t think we could save it. And then I talked to Him. And I realized that all things are possible as long as we’re together. As long as He owns me. At this point I want nothing more than to right things again.

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