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Learning experience

October 5th, 2008

I’m not very good at writing, to be honest; rayne is the writer. I felt the need to post something tho, because this was a very important, and painful, time in our relationship. This blog, I hope, will help someone someday while they’re working through tough times in their relationship. It’s not all about sex (hell, we have damn good sex, no problems there!). Your mileage may vary, as a disclaimer, because your relationship may be different.

I don’t want to get into a lot of detail, but I think that some detail would be appropriate, else there will be no frame of reference for anyone reading either of our blog entries.

Essentially what happened, due to many reasons (not the least of which is a breakdown of communication on both of our parts), rayne left while I was at work. The reason she left is that she was afraid. Some of this was due to my unthinking use of my mouth, and some is due to rayne not analyzing the situation and talking to me before it got too much for her to bear. She is back at home (and was back the same day), but it has left both of us raw.

I want to talk about this from 2 different point of views.

Those that have read the site know that we are Master and slave, as well as husband and wife. I’ve always thought the Master/slave part of our relationship was the more important of the two. I no longer think that, because I think each piece of our relationship offers us different things. On the Master/slave side is order, control, raw lust in a lot of cases, and on the husband/wife side is pure, unadulterated love, want and need for each others company. Sometimes the two overlap. Sometimes one takes precedence at a given time (i.e. if punishment is called for, I do not believe it’s appropriate for the “husband” to interfere, if that makes any sense).

On the husband/wife side of this issue, the lack of communication (other than issues relating to our Master/slave relationship, and even then it wasn’t good) really hurt things. There are a lot of reasons for this, not the least of which is stress. We’re both going through a lot of crap in our jobs, we have recently been told we have to move by Nov 15, and finances (as always) are tough. It’s easy to get distracted by everyday stress and forget what is most important. What is most important to me is rayne. I know there are some “hardcore” (I’m being polite here!) Masters out there that would look at this with disgust. There are even those that preach against a romantic relationship with those that serve you. In the case of rayne, I don’t agree, because I want to share everything with her. Not just the kinky sex, and the rules and order, but love, laughter and thoughts as well. This is what pleases me, and it is as large a part of what I want as the Master/slave side of things, perhaps even more.

On the Master/slave side of the issue, we both screwed up here as well. On rayne’s side, she willfully disobeyed some important orders. On my side, I had my head up my ass. This is hard for me to explain in text, but I will try.

I do firmly believe that as her Master (which is a choice and promise she made with no pressure on her to make it) I have the right to order and expect anything. However, my goal was never to make either of us miserable, and other than one specific thing (that being rayne allowing another man to have her without my permission), I never wanted her to be afraid. By this I don’t mean that she shouldn’t have some fear if she disobeys, but it shouldn’t be approaching outright panic. I suppose if my goal was not to care about rayne’s feelings at all, that this would be “okay” (I’m not entirely sure what I mean by “okay” here, tho). However, that is not what I want, not what would please me, and not what either one of us expected our relationship to turn into. I do believe there are times when a Master has to be able to expect that his orders will be followed, without question, but there’s a happy medium somewhere that must be striven for. If you’re in a mixed relationship ([[BDSM]] and romantic), there’s a fine line that you must be careful not to cross, else you might find yourself left with a slave, and losing a wife. If you took the time to cultivate a relationship enough to warrant marriage, then it needs to remain equally important.

After we talked, I did come to the realization that I have rayne following orders that aren’t in place specifically because they please me. I know that seems odd. I will give an example. Quite awhile ago rayne got very out of line, and I needed to grab her leash (figuratively) tighter to reinforce our “roles”. In doing this, I laid down a lot of new, and very restrictive, rules. One of those rules was that she had to request permission before using the bathroom. This was meant as a short-term order to remind her of her place, and I still believe it was appropriate at the time. However… that order was given around 2 years ago, and was never removed. It wasn’t kept in place because I think she needed the extra structure for those entire 2 years, nor was it in place because it specifically pleased me. Have you ever had someone request to pee 50 times a day? It can drive one nuts! So why was it left in place? Laziness on my part, really. I was paying too much attention to everything else in my life (well, our lives) and losing sight of what’s really important. It created unfair expectations for rayne, in my mind.

I know, that sounds weird, wanting to be “fair” to a slave. It’s not, tho. Who wants to live in misery? Is that why some of you have collared a slave, to run them into the ground so that they’re quickly useless? Even more importantly, what kind of man is deserving of respect if not one that values his property, physically, mentally and emotionally?

When we are given control over a slave (by that slave) it’s generally with the understanding that we, as the Dominant, will ultimately keep the well-being of the slave in the forefront of our minds. This does not mean that we shouldn’t indulge in our perversions; I’m not referring to stringing up your slave and working out some sadistic tendencies. Bruises heal, but wounds on ones heart does not. It’s very easy, in stressful times, to open ones mouth and say things that we don’t mean, and that is extremely damaging. We, as Dominants, must hold ourselves to a higher level of thought and caring, else we do not deserve the respect of those who have promised to obey us. I am guilty of saying things I did not mean with the goal of simply being hurtful, which in part lead to this entire issue. I hold myself in equal blame for this happening, if not the majority of the blame.

Masters and Mistresses… Ultimately we do answer to someone for our actions. We answer to ourselves and as some of you know, there is no harsher judge, jury and executioner. If we can’t respect ourselves, we can’t expect any slave to truly respect us. We have to hold ourselves to a higher standard. At the same time, we need to be firm and consistent, and this can be a balancing act that many people can not do.

I am still evolving and I still haven’t figured everything out yet. I’m still striving for that “balance”, and ultimately it’s our happiness together, and love, that is the goal. I just hope the powers out there will help me to make the right decisions to become the Husband and Master that rayne can respect and dedicate herself to forever.

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