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No Holds Barred

October 4th, 2008

It’s not easy knowing which way to go from here. Both in our relationship and on this blog. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past week or so that I didn’t know before. Which is bizarre coming from me. Because I always thought I knew myself pretty well.

The fact that I’m stubborn came as no surprise. Impetuous and unthinking didn’t really astonish me, either. The selfishness I’ve exhibited in the past week or two shocked me beyond belief.

I know people, as a general rule, are selfish. But I, being a bona fide people pleaser, always thought I did a pretty good job of curbing that. To suddenly wake up (figuratively) and realize that isn’t the case was pretty hard on me. I have enough trouble liking myself without discovering yet another flaw.

There’s been a lot of discussion since Thursday and there will probably be a lot more. But something we’ve realized is that the submissive part of me isn’t something I can just deny. When giving honest answers to His questions instead of the answers I’m trained to know, we’re finding that at the very least I will always be a submissive wife. But we’re both aiming for continuing the Master/slave part of our relationship. I’ve made a decision not to ask for the collar to be removed. I hope to keep it at all costs. I guess that means something.

And it seems like the biggest problem we have right now is there is no real line of communication. I’ve said before I’m a stuffer. Instead of telling Him when something is bothering me, I decide, without even broaching the subject with Him, that it doesn’t matter because I’m a slave and nothing will change anyway so it’s easier to just keep things to myself and not piss Him off. And this isn’t something I’ve developed since deciding slavery was the life for me. I’ve always been that way. I can remember in elementary school not telling my best friends when something they did hurt me for fear of them not liking me anymore. Amazing, huh?

I guess this makes me a hypocrite and a liar. Maybe by BDSM standards – And, hell! My standards in the past, too. – I’m a fake slave. I’m feeling a lot like a fake slave right now. I’m not really sure, anymore, what a true slave is anyway. But I am pretty certain that, while there are actual definitions for the words slave and submissive, everyone’s relationship has to be about what makes them happy and not where those lines are drawn in the semi-dry cement. 

I’m keeping up with my tasks (or at least trying to) now, which means that I will be blogging regularly again. I can’t guarantee it’ll be all bubbles and sunshine.

As an aside: In case you’re wondering (not that anyone is) where my sudden interest in bubbles and sunshine came from, it was an in-service (on meds… which I’ll never pass… but they made me sit through it anyway) at the job. C was telling us what she can’t say without smiling. Bubbles and sunshine. We’ve sort of twisted it. We all say “Bubbles and FUCKING sunshine.” now. But we smile 🙂

Master’s walking on eggshells, which I don’t like but it is making it a lot easier for me to be comfortable with finding my place in His life again. Not that it was ever lost, but I had lost sight of it. And I’m traipsing right through like a bull in a china shop. My usual way of doing things. But it’s because there’s this beautiful, priceless set on the back wall that I really want to get to before someone else notices it and snatches it up.

We’re both being cautious of each other’s emotions but at the same time we’re proceeding with blunt honesty. At this point, holding anything back would do serious damage and we’re not interested in breaking anything else. A lot of scar tissue was torn open again and a lot of new nerve endings are bared. But slow and steady wins the race and this too shall pass and all that jazz. Life goes on.

We’ll get through this. And then maybe I can reclaim my “true slave” status. Or maybe I never had it. Whatever the case may be, I’m committed to working on this until the wounds are healed. And Master is, too. And that’s the only thing that’s important to me right now.

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