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If at first you don’t succeed…

October 3rd, 2008

Yesterday ended well but it was bad. Really bad. And I’m not really ready to talk about it here. I’m not sure I ever will be. But the basic gist is that we’re starting back at ground zero. Master has cut the rule list way down and allowed me some things that I felt I really needed right now. Smoking cigarettes, as petty as it sounds, is one of them. I still feel weird lighting up in front of Him (it was just yesterday) but I’m sure that will pass.

I was smoking without permission (and no, that’s not why yesterday sucked) at work. I went about that the entire wrong way. I’d asked to start smoking again and He said no and that should have been that. But, being human, I am weak in some areas. Smoking, especially when there are only two people at my job who don’t, is one of them. That’s no excuse and it wasn’t fair to Him at all. It was even more unfair for me to make it something I had to have after going behind His back to have it. I guess knowing that is a step in the right direction.

In six months we’re going to revisit the smoking thing and decide whether or not it’s something I can give up. I don’t know, right now, which way that will go. Six months is a long time. Maybe I’ll try to quit again on my birthday. No guarantees.

I think things were just going way too far way too fast. I know six years isn’t “fast” but there are all sorts of extenuating circumstances. I started to feel like I couldn’t breathe. And I started to feel like Rapunzel. And neither were very good feelings. In short, I was scared.

I agreed to leave the collar in place for now and see if we can mend this part of our relationship. One thing we realized in all this is that our marriage is separate from our Master/slave relationship. And, while the Master/slave relationship is important to us, our marriage is far more important. And even if the Master/slave relationship doesn’t survive, our marriage will. That was important for me to know.

I learned a lot yesterday that I really just did not know. And I should have. If I had been paying attention instead of working on rebuilding the walls I let crumble down when we met I probably would have seen all of it. I refuse to allow this to be all His fault because it’s not. Yesterday, I thought it was. But I was wrong.

We’re taking some time to sort things out and mend the hurt. We’re already walking away from this with a deeper understanding of each other and a tighter bond. Hopefully I didn’t cause more harm than good.

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