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Muddle through… please?

September 9th, 2008

Just a forewarning…

This entry is sort of all over the place. If you can muddle through the passive-aggressive bullshit it’s almost interesting. I’m whiny lately. Not really sure why. Maybe I just need a good, hard thrashing. *eyes the working Master suspiciously*

Did I mention I joined Fetlife? I joined Fetlife.

I think the main reason I don’t always notice drama on forums is because, unless I asked the question, I ignore most of the responses. I know… I know… The whole point of forums is getting into a good snarking match with some bitch who just doesn’t get it and should fuck off and die… Or is it?

I’ve been increasingly snarky myself lately. Here. Not anywhere else. I don’t think. But mainly because the more I read of people the more jaded I get and it’s sort of… disheartening. Not everyone, mind. My favorites are still tucked securely in their little hidey-hole close to my heart. But some.

ANYway… That’s not why I’m writing. I’m writing because on Fetlife I came across a thread about tears. And if they’re not called “threads” on Fetlife I really… don’t care. Is that rude? It’s not meant to be.

I’m easily sidetracked today.

Tears. A thread about tears.

I responded. (Can you tell I’m trying to remember where I was going with this?)

Crying embarrasses me most of the time. I used to fight it as hard as I could and excuse myself from everyone’s presence if I couldn’t. Thanks to my father’s tutelage, I feel like it’s a sign of weakness.

That being said, it turns me on like you wouldn’t believe when Master is able to push me to tears through emotional or physical torment (provided it’s not the result of me screwing up or something).

This doesn’t even come close to describing how I feel about tears.

When Master and I first got together, I would fight like you wouldn’t believe to keep Him from seeing me cry. Crying proves He can beat me. Mentally. Not physically. Though probably physically, too, if it came right down to it. Crying proves He’s found a way so deep inside my head that He can change my emotional state all by His lonesome regardless of how hard I try to lock Him out. And that’s just not something I allowed anyone at that point in my life, let alone this man I just met who had already professed His interest in dominating me. 

And that’s where the draw comes from.

Despite my mental and emotional deficiencies, I am the strongest person I know. There’s only one stronger. And my naïve little mind thought there would be no way He could ever get inside my head enough to own me. Definitely couldn’t make me crave being owned.

The tears pull forth all of my tiny little flaws. Things that would never be flaws in another’s mind but in mine all but destroy me. Great big flashing arrows pointing at my weaknesses. Until I pull them out and show them to Him. And He laughs at me. Brushes them aside. Takes what He wants from me. And then puts me in my place.

I said a while back I don’t like to be afraid.

Oh… I’m finished with the tears topic. Sorry… changed gears a little quickly there.

I said a while back I don’t like to be afraid. It pisses me off. It makes me feel stupid. Especially when I come out the other side okay. And when I feel stupid I get mad.

But today I watched a short clip of Taylor and Carrie… With the sound off because Master hates it when I put my speakers on if He’s home. And…

And oh my goddess do they have what I want.

To have the time, space and opportunity to play the way they do would be the best thing to ever happen to me. And if I hear one more person say, “Make time.” I’m going to scream. What? Oh… that’s just the voices in my head? Hmm…

I understand, now, what kaya was saying a while back about losing the desire. I tried my damnedest to pretend I didn’t. That could never happen to me! I still crave depravity just as much now that we hardly ever have the time or energy to play as I did in the beginning when it was every where I looked!

Except I don’t always. And until recently, when Master went on a short spree of objectifying me in ways I thought He never would, I hadn’t, really, in a long time. I had put my desires away only taking them out when I needed them.

I think I’ll post my writing assignment here today. I think it’s time to write out one of those fantasies I always talk about but never describe.

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