Archive for September, 2008

Mindless Blather

September 30th, 2008 Comments off

So things have been crazy here, to say the least. As if you couldn’t tell by the huge lack in entries. I’m not going into the nitty gritty. Just trust that things have been crazy and I caused it all by my lonesome.

I started an entry yesterday to put up today and then for some reason decided about an hour ago that it wasn’t valid and deleted it. However, it is valid and now I want to post it and I have no idea what I said in it or what was so valid about it. I… am a moron. And I always try to put a “G” after that word. So I guess I’m actually a morong, whatever that is.

First things first… Over at Carrie’s place she mentioned hating making phone calls (among other things that I never comment on because I never really know what to say). I tried to comment but… apparently I’m lacking in the commenting-at-Carrie’s-place abilities. In short… it didn’t work. So I’m just going to say here that I also loath the phone. So much so that the fact that I’m not a secretary (“Oh yes you are, bitch. You’re whatever I say you are.”) has been the center of many arguments and the cause of many punishments.

Uh… I guess that was last things first too cause I really don’t have much else to say and I’m being sent to clean the kitchen.

Maybe I’ll give a better entry a shot later. Hope your day went well!

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I’m sick – My response

September 20th, 2008 Comments off

Not being one to ask a question without answering it myself, I guess it’s time I take a moment to tell what happens in our relationship before launching into the tirade that I’ve been planning for when I had time to sit down and launch it.

I’ve spent much of my life taking after my father, the main difference being me enjoying relinquishing control and him having to have an iron grasp on it. When I’m sick, it’s no different. Just like him, I work myself to death and I’d rather just be left alone. Sure, a quick snuggle here and a bowl of chicken noodle soup made by someone else there is welcome and enjoyed. But when all is said and done I’m a royal bitch in the best of circumstances. When I’m sick… I’m Attila the Hun.

While Master does allow me to let major housework wait and go to bed early (sometimes), I still cook dinner (unless we order out, which is the same when I’m healthy), wait on Him (whether He’s also sick or not, which He is right now), play if He wants to, and any other number of slavey duties that He might decide need taking care of.

And, not that it matters, but in my opinion this is the way it should be. Because our 24/7 Master/slave relationship doesn’t stop when I get the sniffles. And taking care of me, for me, doesn’t mean pampering me. It means forcing me to get off my ass and stop feeling sorry for myself. Unless getting off my ass would be damaging. But that’s a different story altogether.

Which brings me to my tirade…

Someone on FetLife said:

I personally think that if your master/mistress doesn’t understand and take care of you, expecially if you are sick then they are selfish and are not very good owners and you should trade them in for a better one!!!

We’ll start with the fact that there’s no “X” in “especially” and move on to my personal belief that yours is a very narrow-minded viewpoint.

Generally speaking, dominants are selfish. It’s all part and parcel to the whole dom gig. They don’t spank us strictly because we enjoy it. That’d be a little backwards, if you ask me. But being selfish doesn’t automatically put them in the “bad owner” category. If I died because Master tied me up and rushed off to bang the girl next door without checking to make sure I could breathe and such, that would be the stuff “bad owners” are made of. However, not dropping everything to dote on His slave when she has a touch of the flu and is going to work every day anyway? Not “bad owner” stuff. ::shrug::

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A step in the right direction?

September 18th, 2008 Comments off

So Master and I are both sick now. And we’re cranky. And we’re tired. And… it’s painful.

Yesterday, I came home from work and He asked what I wanted for dinner. I… pretty much ignored Him after making one suggestion I knew He’d say no to. To say He was perturbed would be putting it lightly. But I was busy, damn it! Trying to catch up the club we both admin on dA. And He. wasn’t. helping.

I asked Him a question and when He didn’t respond the way I wanted Him to, I began to slam things around and stomp my feet. I was, in short, acting like a child. He responded in kind sending me to His room “until I tell you to come out.” Let the punishment fit the crime, I guess.

The weird thing? I didn’t even go away angry. I went away confused.

Usually when I’m mad already and He doesn’t like my behavior and punishes me (especially by corporal means) I just get madder. I feel wronged and abused and neglected and misunderstood (not that any of those things matter… it’s just how I feel). Until I stop being a bitch and actually see things the way I should have looked at them to begin with.

Yesterday I was completely calm. And I thought, “It’s about time.” And I went and sat on the floor in the bedroom and scribbled in my journal about how childish I was and how I was afraid He was going to come into the bedroom and make me forget that I was sorry I misbehaved (that whole feeling wronged and getting madder thing)and how I would probably let my mouth get the better of me. I wasn’t even sure I was allowed to do anything but sit somewhere but I wanted proof that immediately after I realized I was fucking up I also knew what I’d done wrong and I was sorry. Just in case I did stupidly let my mouth get the better of me. So I could say I’d done right originally. Until He made me madder.

How fucking petty am I?

But I at least thought my intentions were good. At the time.

He came in the bedroom and said something. I don’t remember exactly what it was. And I started out “Yes, Master” and “No, Master”ing Him. Until I could feel my irritation at being scolded about something I’d already scolded myself about rising. Then, in an even tone and without a hint of sarcasm, I said something to the effect of, “I meant to apologize for acting like a child when you came in here. But you started talking and I didn’t have a chance.”

I’m not sure why He paused. Probably sheer shock that I could even behave that maturely. I don’t often admit I’m wrong at home. Without being shown (sometimes violently) why I’m wrong, that is. And even then, sometimes, I concede only to soothe the beast. I admit I’m wrong privately, after. Generally speaking, though, that only happens with the few parts of slavery I’m still fighting tooth and nail. Yes, it is possible to be a slave and still fight parts of it. And sometimes… when it doesn’t seem to shatter the very ground we walk on… sometimes I think Master enjoys grabbing the ram (I’m an Aries, not a Taurus!) by the horns and holding on for the ride. Knocking me down after is fun.

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September 16th, 2008 Comments off
Author unknown

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to others is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken,
because the greatest hazard in life is to do nothing.

The person who risks nothing,
does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing.

They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.

Chained by their attitudes, they are a slave,
they forfeited their freedom.

Only the person who risks can be free.

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I’m sick :(

September 14th, 2008 Comments off

And whiny and ridiculously pissy. Which begs to question…

What happens when you’re sick? Do you get the day off or do you still have to wait on him/her hand and foot? Does he/she let you sleep in? Take naps? What if you work outside of the home and you’re scheduled for that day?

And if you’re not owned… what do you think should happen when you’re sick?

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Shitty Shitty

September 11th, 2008 Comments off

What a shit couple of days. Yesterday I was told that if my employees don’t step up they’re firing all of us. I was told I wasn’t allowed to go home for lunch anymore. I was told I have to start working overtime and stopping in randomly to check on my employees.

Master was NOT happy. They’ve decided to go against every single stipulation I gave them for taking this position.

It’s fixed. We fought the entire night. But it’s fixed. Both with the job and with Him.

Today, they fired my friend. Over their mistake. That’s going to make my working environment a little more hostile, but Master has ordered me to start being more assertive and telling them what I’m going to do and not the other way around. I plan to give it my best shot!

None of this matters. In the long run, none of this matters. Hopefully sooner rather than later I’ll be either working from home or done working.

However, at the moment I can’t really think of anything else. Hopefully another BDSM related post in the very near future, though. Hopefully.

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