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“Stupid is forever…

August 7th, 2008

…ignorance can be fixed.” Don Wood

So this little foray into kitchen management isn’t going so well. My second in command is fucking up royally. Three minutes into arriving at work this morning I wanted to hang myself. An hour later, I realized that, knowing my luck, if I hang myself I’ll screw up and not only will I have to recover from a broken neck and attempted death by self-asphyxiation, but the kitchen will be in even larger shambles (and not run by me) when I get back and Master would kick my ass. Then I’m in even bigger trouble than when I started.

I love her. I do. She’s an awesome lady. But gods is she ever… dense. I gave her step by step explicit instructions, even going so far as to write them down for her and place them where she could see them, and she still managed to destroy grilled cheese and tomato soup. Monday she mangled western omelets and blamed it on me (even though she’d completely ignored my directions). The only thing she seems to be capable of is making a plain old sandwich with nothing on it. And I have to wonder how the hell she managed to raise two boys.

I’m not looking forward to going in to work tomorrow. We have a new guy starting tomorrow that M said was starting in the kitchen but J keeps talking about making him a PCA. They’re fully staffed on PCAs. The kitchen is what doesn’t have enough coverage. But sure… screw me over some more.

And it’s not going to be too much longer before Master says “Fuck this. Quit.” Matter of fact, I’m expecting that next week. Because, as much as I’d like to say things are getting better, the fact of the matter is they’re not. The drama is worse than ever; the promises keep coming with no actual fulfillment in sight; my schedule keeps getting longer, not shorter; and my raise hasn’t even gone in yet.

Supposedly it’ll be in my check next Friday. And that’s another condition of my continued employment. Give me what I’m entitled to or I’m out the door.

Next Friday’s check should be pretty, regardless. But I want it to be as pretty as it should be.

As for the home front, things are going rather well. Whether it’s because things really are just that comfy right now or because both of us are so stressed out by work that we can’t be bothered with getting under each other’s skin (*snicker*) I’m not sure.

But I’ve not been bitchy at all, for the most part. And Him? He’s just His normal self. So perhaps I just needed a major distraction to chill me the fuck out.

There’s little to no BDSM beyond service. A fact that keeps niggling at me but there’s not much to be done about it short of both of us quitting our jobs and going on welfare. However, I sometimes find myself thinking things like “I’m not a slave. I’m a glorified wife!” Generally speaking, though, when that thought goes through my head, I, shortly after, notice Him doing something that He’d never do if He were in a vanilla relationship. Or maybe He would at this point. But six years ago He wouldn’t have. And I’m like “Oh… there’s my slavery. Welcome home!”

I guess I just miss the whirlwind adventure initial training and scening was. I miss spending nights on my knees whimpering because I’m too stubborn to ask to sit down while He walks circles around me and tells me exactly what I am and how I’ll act and what He wants from me. That whole suppressing the desire thing kaya was talking about? Yeah I totally get that.

But life happens. And I’m saying this more and more lately. Sometimes things we love, as much as we hate it, simply have to be put on the back burner in favor of more important things. It sucks. It chafes my ass. But it happens. And somehow I never stop hoping that next month or next year things will be better and we’ll be able to get on the path we’ve wanted to be on forever. Is it next month yet?

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