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Bubbles and Sunshine!

July 24th, 2008

co-de·pen·dent adj.

  1. Mutually dependent.
  2. Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who is addicted to a drug or self-destructive behavior, such as chronic gambling.

I guess, based on the definition, I’ve been using the wrong word. I’m not real sure what the right one is, though. But basically what it comes down to is the more I spend my five days off pretending they’re never going to end and I’m going to be able to spend every minute of my life with Master without interruptions the harder it is for me to go back to work on Thursday. The harder it is for me to stay at work on Thursday. The harder it is for me to function at work on Thursday.

Six years ago I would have run far and fast. Six years ago I would have recognized the downward spiral into being incapable of surviving on my own, taking care of myself, and I would have packed my shit and made a quick escape to the nearest friend or family member. I would have believed, based on years of psychobabble and society’s views, that I was in danger of losing myself and becoming someone I didn’t like.

But Master likes me this way. And I like me this way. And I get by better outside of work this way than I would if I didn’t feel so deeply connected and so powerless without Him.

I’m not sure how much longer working is going to work out, though.

I spent the better part of the day falling apart completely because I missed Him. Tears poured down my face no matter the situation because I felt like someone had laid me on the operating table, cut open my flesh and physically extracted a part of me, then sent me on my merry way after hurriedly stitching me up without pain killers or any idea of how to function without that part of me.

It’s kind of scary. I mean, we both have always planned to eventually get me to the point that I quite literally cannot survive without Him, but somehow I don’t think this was what we intended. What if I lose the ability to serve my secondary purpose (aiding in the household income) before we can afford to take me out of the workforce?

Bubbles and sunshine! That’s the new motto at the mansion. Bubbles and fucking sunshine.

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