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One-Sided Advice

July 22nd, 2008

I have a problem with a lot of the advice I see going around online. Mostly on forums and dating sites. The vast majority of it is completely asinine. Or it’s one-sided. Or both.

The one-sided advice is what bothers me the most. Advice from people who only see things from their point of view and absolutely refuse to even look at it from anyone else’s. Including the person’s they’re advising.

I get caught in this trap sometimes. I’m often seen saying things like “From where I sit…” and “In our relationship…” and so on. However, I’m often saying things like “From where I sit…” and “In our relationship…” whereas these other one-sided advisers, the ones I’m bitching about, are stating their case as if it’s gospel and not just how they see things.

I feel so bad for the people who pursue this lifestyle online. While it’s not always the best way to get the most out of a relationship, no matter the sexual persuasion of the players, it’s still a valid way to start a relationship. As is proven by the many people I know, know of and have been provided proof of who have started a relationship online and are still going at it strong. ::waves to S and kaya, M and K, MasterStrict and reen, and the others my half awake brain can’t think of right now:: Yet online lifestylers are always being told their way is wrong and they should ditch the online scene and go find a “real life” one.

I’ve really got to stop pouring coffee down the front of me.

There’s a thread on Bondage in which the OP is asking if her dom is getting too close, going too far, moving too fast. She placed herself in consideration to him and there are plans in place for her to visit him in the near future after only a few weeks of online and telephone conversation.

Among other things (which wasn’t much), she told of his desire to have her check in with him every hour. She talks of how she intentionally went against his order because it “sounded ridiculous” and she took it upon herself to decide he was moving too fast and had no right to ask her to do this.

Naturally, he responded with anger and told her she was disobedient and blah blah blah. She thinks he’s wrong in his assessment of her and that all of this is excusable because she’s new and he’s “only online”.

I could point out all the things wrong with that. I want to point out all the things wrong with that. Instead, I’ll stick to the advice since it is the topic of this entry.

People told her she was right! The fact that she accepted a consideration collar and was, essentially, his to test as he pleased in effort to find if they were right for each other is irrelevant. He had no right to ask these things of her. He is “only an online master”.

And an obsessive one at that! She should run far and fast and find someone more down to Earth and real to get involved with. They accused him of using her for masturbation fodder. They said he was moving way too fast and was way too controlling. And they have 1) one side of the story and 2) no idea who he is.

Are you serious?

It’s great that she’s not interested in being micromanaged and that she’s uncomfortable checking in every hour, but shouldn’t she have expressed that in the discussion phase?

I think better advice would be for her to get her head out of her ass, figure out what the hell kind of dom she’s looking for, what she’d like to get out of the relationship and stop messing around with someone who’s obviously into running a much tighter ship than she wants to sail on. But that’s just me. And I tend to fly off the handle on occasion so maybe I’ve got it all wrong.

I don’t advocate online/long-distance relationships. They’ve never worked for me. And believe me, I’ve tried. I’m just very much an “Out of sight, out of mind.” type of person. When I spend days, weeks, months without being able to communicate with the person I’m with I lose all comprehension of being with them.

Maybe six years has made a difference. Maybe I’ve grown so much since I’ve belonged to Master things have changed. But I’m really not interested in finding out.

Kaya, in my eyes, is the best slave in the world simply based on the fact that she’s had to go days without a phone call because of S’s job and she still managed to stay mostly focused. I would slowly fall into a ridiculous amount of depression and eventually lose sight of where I belong. It would take an extreme amount of work for Master to get me back to my place when He returned, if it was possible at all.

However, just because they don’t work for me doesn’t mean they don’t work for other people. And just because they don’t work for me doesn’t mean they’re any less valid for the people they do work for. And if this is the route you choose to take, I think you’d better make damn sure you’re ready for the commitment. Because it’s not any less real for the person on the other end of the wire. They fully expect you to hold up your end of the bargain.

But these people advising the couples choosing to try online dating before diving headlong into a “real life” relationship? They need to take a step away from “Online never works.”, remember that it’s just that online never works for them and actually give advice on what the person is asking and not what they feel the need to tell them. And don’t be afraid to tell them you don’t have enough information to give them sound advice. Or ask questions.

I think I’ve said all this before, just on a different type of question. And I know that people can only give advice based on their own experience. But really! Take the entire situation (or what you’ve been told of it) into consideration, not just your own personal experience. Chances are what you’ve experienced is nothing like what the person you’re talking to is going through anyway!

And if what you’re telling them is just what you would do in their situation, tell them that. Before you help them down the road of second guessing their owner. Cause that’s an ugly place to be.

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  1. January 17th, 2011 at 23:43 | #1

    ~applause~ I wish everyone could read this and maybe get it through their skulls what good advice can look like.

    Like you said, we can only give advice based on our own thoughts/experiences/opinions, but that doesn’t mean that other people’s advice is wrong or that you can’t look at how your advice might not fit the person you are giving it to.

  2. January 18th, 2011 at 07:08 | #2

    @TitsMcScandal Exactly. 🙂

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