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June 28th, 2008

My “Self-Loathing” post sparked some interesting reactions. People always get their hackles up when you mention being called worthless.

Master says my worth is ultimately judged by Him and no one else. It doesn’t matter that I’m a damn good worker. It doesn’t matter that I’ve been working a thankless job for ungrateful people at minimum wage for over a year. It wouldn’t matter if I was Angelina Jolie doing all the humanitarian work in the world and then breaking to get on the big screen before putting my African baby to bed and collapsing myself. It’s still His to decide whether I’m worth anything or not.

And that’s the way I like it. Because that makes dealing with my self-esteem problems a little easier. Only having to worry about what He thinks of me and not the rest of the handful of people I interact with on a daily basis quiets the niggling voices that go round and round in my head.

But it also serves other purposes.

Reminding me that He decides my worth works well for training purposes. It puts emphasis on trying to gain His good favor, and, by proxy, worth. It further increases the objectification we all strive for so much by making it imperative that I perform well to be seen as useful in His eyes. It reminds me that at any time I could be stripped of everything I view as “mine” and left completely to my own devices.

It also works well in humiliation play and sex. Not for everyone, mind. But for me. Sometimes there’s nothing I like to hear more than “You worthless little bitch. No one cares about you. I can do whatever I want with you and no one would give a shit.” Or any other combination of words basically saying the same thing. It’s not necessarily true. My job cares about me. If only because they’d be utterly screwed without me. A point I can’t wait to drive home if/when we ever get things straight financially.

Sometimes He says it when He’s angry. And those are the times I hate it. Because I’m already reciting it in my head. “Dumb, worthless cunt can’t get anything right. What the fuck is wrong with me? Will I ever do anything right? Stupid bitch. He’s gonna go find another slave who’s actually worth her salt. Dumb, worthless cunt.”

But sometimes I need to hear it from Him. As much as it breaks my heart. Sometimes I need to realize I’m getting cocky and treading in shark-infested waters. I need to be knocked down a notch or two. And the quickest way to do it is to tell me I’m worthless. It ties into that whole “People need different kinds of punishment.” thing.

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