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Overcoming Self-Loathing

June 22nd, 2008

Slavereen asked:

My question is, how do you overcome the self negativity? I have this problem too and for the life of me have not been able to get rid of this pattern of thought and it’s driving Master crazy. I was just wondering if you’d be able to share what you do to get better at this or if you have any advice from a slave’s perspective.

This area, unfortunately, is particularly difficult for me. I have severe self-esteem issues and a laundry list of mental diagnonsense and sometimes, if I’m to be honest, I simply don’t overcome it. I push it to the back of my mind and try to remind myself that if Master felt about me the way I feel about myself He wouldn’t own me.

Something I’ve learned about Master in the (almost) six years we’ve been together is that He’s very particular about not owning shit. He likes to own things of some value. His belongings must be pleasing to His eye (which isn’t always the same as what is pleasing to someone else’s) and functional. And because of this if He didn’t think He could fix the pattern of behavior He doesn’t like in me, or at the very least cope with it, He wouldn’t own me. Most men are that way.

That’s a hard pill to swallow sometimes. We like to believe our love and service are more important than our (occasional?) bad behavior. But the fact of the matter is, it isn’t. No matter how much you love someone, if there’s something about them that you positively cannot deal with, and they either refuse to change or are incapable, staying with them becomes more of a hindrance than a joy. Regardless of the type of relationship.

I’m often reminding myself in these times that, even though we’re no where close to standing on equal ground, this relationship is very much a partnership.

I think I’ve said the opposite in the past. Mostly because when people think “partnership” they think “equal”. But also because that’s what is expected of me as a slave. To vehemently deny that our relationship fully depends on both of us, and a great deal of cooperation, to survive.

But the fact of the matter is anything that includes more than one person, more than one perspective, requires some cooperation to work. If He refused to control me and just let me run around doing whatever I wanted our relationship would fall apart. Just as if I refused to be controlled and gallivanted off doing things how I thought they should be done things would come to a screeching halt.

I shy away from sounding like I’m dictating what men should do with their slaves. However, while it’s not our place as slaves to point it out, sometimes this issue isn’t only caused by the slave and her bad attitude. And my ability to get passed the self-loathing and whatever it is I’m in trouble for very much depends on Master and His reaction.

If He spouts off about how worthless I am and how sick of me He is and how He wishes I’d just do as I’m told and stop being such a stupid cunt, it’s going to become impossible for me to come out of the spiral. My self-loathing will get completely out of control. I’ll begin to believe that He feels about me the way I feel about myself and won’t be able to see the positive options. I will only see the negative ones.

Instead of responding by behaving and attempting to regain His good favor, I’ll respond by sulking and avoiding Him. The issue, in my mind, is no longer my misbehavior. It has now become that I’m just not what He wants and I probably never will be. I lose sight of the things I know to be true. That He wouldn’t own me if He didn’t want to. That, as a strong, dominant male, He is capable of discerning what He wants and doesn’t want and if He didn’t want me I wouldn’t be here. Period.

However, if He responds by telling me where I screwed up and why He’s upset and that I will be punished, leaving out all the verbal battery, and sometimes being careful to say that He still wants me but I need to correct my behavior, I can focus on fixing what I did wrong and not why I should just shrivel up and die on the spot. I sometimes need encouragement to listen to what He’s saying and not what I think He’s saying or how I feel about myself.

As insulting as some seem to find it, slaves are very much like children. Like children, we strive for approval in the eyes of those in authority over us. Especially those of us who find it next to impossible to find that approval within ourselves. And like children, we are devastated when we’re not given that approval.

I’m not suggesting that masters should show approval when their slaves are out of line. I’m not even suggesting they go easy on the slaves. I know if Master went easy on me I’d never learn from my mistakes. One of the mistakes my parents made with me growing up was allowing me to use my psychoses to bully them into backing down. Master, as much as it pains Him sometimes, doesn’t allow me that way out.

I think, however, that masters should be mindful of their slaves’ emotions (Disclaimer: I don’t mean avoid trampling them… sometimes that’s the best part of owning someone. I just mean be aware that we have them and they’re not always pleasant.). While in a perfect world slaves would all be robots who only feel and exhibit the emotions their owners program them to feel and exhibit, the fact of the matter is we are not living in a perfect world. Slaves are human too.

Lean on your master in these times. I know it feels strange. Slaves often make the mistake of believing we should be independent and strong. That we should avoid burdening our owners with anything, least of all our skewed self-image and wayward emotions. But the thing is, this part of owning a slave is very much the master’s responsibility. The very essence of owning/being a slave is that slaves are dependent and needy. We can’t survive without direction. It’s all part and parcel to the whole master gig. Phenomenal cosmic power over another being with a whole lot of responsibility. (Why… Yes! I have watched Aladdin one too many times!)

I hope this helps…

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