Archive for June 14th, 2008

No Fear Revisited… Sort of.

June 14th, 2008 No comments

I hate, hate, hate my job. And the toll it takes on my blogging time. Screw the fact that by the time I come home I’m so tired any sort of scene is lost on me, or I’m so grumpy I get defensive over a stubbed toe, or I’m so whiny I start crying over a strange look. I want my blogging time back! Okay I’m kidding. But seriously! 94 hours in nine days sucks ass. And I just started this stint Thursday!

Master said there have been times in our relationship that I was absolutely afraid of Him and/or what He might do to me. And He’s right. I just wanted to make sure that I said that. I wasn’t saying I was never afraid or that nothing He ever does scares me or anything like that. Sometimes I’m scared shitless. But I don’t consider my fears in those situations rational and therefore don’t necessarily see them as relevant to the point I was making. Which really was just that I believe a slave shouldn’t have to fear her owner losing control.

Usually, my fears come with the self-loathing and skewed self-image that comes with messing up. I’m not sure if that’s left over from a jaded childhood or if it’s something that has developed with age. All I know for certain is that most times when I’m in trouble I spiral pretty deeply into hating myself and conjuring up all these images of what I deserve. What I think I deserve and what Master gives me never match up. Which is a good thing. Cause skin is important. It protects your organs.


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