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June 8th, 2008

There are so many experiences Master and I have together that I want to write about. So many things I want to describe here… but I can’t. The only thing I can say about yesterday is that it brought us so much closer, if that’s even possible.

Taboo subjects really suck. And there’s so much we do outside of [[BDSM]] that I’m not allowed to talk about for one reason or another. It’s disheartening.

It’s disheartening because I want the right and ability to just be myself without any repercussions. Not as far as Master’s concerned. He gives me that every day, so long as being who I am doesn’t step outside the realm of His iron fist. It does sometimes. But He allows me that also, with the understanding that I will be punished for it. But society shouldn’t have that right. Society shouldn’t be able to punish me for enjoying myself. Within reason, obviously. If I go out and murder or maim someone there should be consequences. But with regard to other things… America controls entirely too much of our lives.

Something that I realized yesterday is that I give in to societal pressures entirely too much. There are certain things I will have to allow myself because, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, [[BDSM]] is illegal. Our way of life is illegal. It shouldn’t be. But it is. But those things aren’t really what I’m talking about anyway.

What I wear, who I talk to, how I act, where I go… so often all of these things about me are a front. A mask I wear so people won’t think I’m weird. Insane. Any of the many words to describe not “normal”. 

I don’t like it. It’s confining and uncomfortable. And it’s a lie. I am not the person I pretend to be in public.

Not here. Here I’m allowed to be me. Obviously, I have to exclude the things that I’m not allowed to talk about, but I still let who I am shine through here.

Society has a set way for everyone to think, feel, act. It doesn’t allow for us to experience things differently. Society sees everything in black and white. But there are so many different colors that demand attention.

People think it’s odd that I say society is overbearing. That I talk about how it clips my wings. Yet, I am willingly, and happily, owned by a man. That I’ve allowed overbearing rules and regulations be placed upon me. That I closed the chains around my wrists and ankles and begged for the lock. But the collar is so natural. The rules are so normal for me to have.

Last night Master and I were laying naked and entwined in each other’s arms and legs and talking. There was no sex. Just talking. We spent most of yesterday either physically or mentally entwined, just talking. He said He firmly believes that if it weren’t for the control He exerts over me I would spiral out of control. I would continually destroy myself and others around me. My life would be ruined at my own hands and possibly end very early. I need someone to show me the path I should be walking down and stay beside me guiding me down it as a shepherd guides his sheep. And He’s right.

Maybe it is brainwashing in the literal sense of the word. Maybe He’s managed to convince me over the past six years that I cannot survive without Him. I’m not so stupid that I don’t realize that’s a possibility. However, I’m also not so stupid that I don’t know that there is at least some truth to it. Because I was spiraling out of control when I met Him. And shortly after I met Him, before I allowed myself to become part of Him, before I admitted that I wanted to be with Him, I attempted suicide.

Maybe this sounds crazy. Maybe it doesn’t make much sense. It definitely appears to have nothing to do with [[BDSM]]. But it does.

There are so many different facets. So many different ways to do things. Just because our way is right for us doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone else. And we, as a community, shouldn’t oppress each other with our ideas of how things should be done.

Live and let live. Peace, love and happiness. The hippies had it right all along.

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