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Do you need it?

May 15th, 2008

I was going to take the idea kaya dropped for me. I really was. And then I decided that writing a rant about stupid people would probably just get me into trouble. Especially since the only point of the rant would be to talk about the fact that they are stupid.

Instead, I’ll just say it’s ridiculously ignorant to say “I just behave. I don’t need punishment.” Everyone needs correcting once in a while. Even if it’s little shit. Everyone makes mistakes. The most even tempered person steps out of line a time or two. And maybe you don’t get whipped when you do it or have to write lines or stand in the corner. But there is punishment. Whether you see it, and recognize it for what it is, or not.

It’s in his voice. In his eyes when he looks at you. In the difference in how he acts toward you. It’s the things he usually gives you but has said no since your transgression. It’s the way his smile disappears. And how instead of meeting you at the door with a hug and kiss when you return home, he stays where he is and waits for you to come to him. The refusal of a hug or kiss. The lack of hands caressing your body as he passes. The missing tugs on your hair and tweaking of nipples. Or the tugs and tweaks are harder and more malicious than normal.

It’s in the air. The thick, sad, disappointed feeling that seems to follow him like a cloud. The way the light seems to dim when you’re in the room together. The way your stomach knots up every time he passes… not in a good way.

All of these things, though? I’d take the cane over these things any day. If I could just get the cane and none of the other stuff that comes along with His disappointment, I’d gracefully bend over every single time I screwed up without so much as a peep. These things are the worst.

People react differently to things. Some people need forty lashes with an evil blue stick after driving themselves crazy during a week or more of waiting for it to put their mind back where it belongs. Some people just need an evil stare. Some people need to be strung up by their wrists and beaten with every wicked instrument their owner has in their arsenal until they’re in hysterics and begging for it to stop.

And some masters need these things to feel like they’ve sufficiently punished their slaves.

My relationship isn’t about what you need, just as I don’t expect yours to be about what I need. But I certainly don’t need someone acting like they’re better than me because what keeps them in line isn’t as severe as what keeps me in line. None of us does.

And because none of us, BDSM or vanilla, Christian or Buddhist (Or any other religion… I’m neither of those so if I’m being discriminatory by just picking those to mention, I’m discriminating against my own religion as well.), is equipped to know the “correct” way to live, how can you know for certain that we’re not supposed to be stepping out of line all the time? Testing boundaries at all costs? Learning who we are and who our S.O.s are and who everyone around us is through experimentation and pushing buttons and stomping toes?

I’m strong-willed and I question authority. Even authority I’ve asked to have. It’s tiring, I’m sure. It drives me crazy sometimes so I know it’s got to piss Him off like I wouldn’t believe. But it’s who I am. And while He will, I’m sure, tame it to some degree (Just look at how far I’ve come so far!), it might always be at least a small part of who I am. And I often need severe punishment to get me and my mindset back to where we belong. Even if it’s not usually the punishment but the way He acts toward me when I’m in need of punishment that actually sets me straight.

Does that make me better or worse than the ones who claim they don’t need punishment because they behave with out it? I don’t know. I’m also not entirely sure I care. What I do know, though, is that without it I’d be lost. It is what it is because it is. There’s a name for that, I think.

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