I’m so starved for topics of discussion that I actually started a blog that would have sounded so arrogant, so condescending… This whole having not much BDSM interaction thing (I’ve stopped visiting and/or participating in almost every blog and/or forum I used to go to – not that I used to go to that many… long story) seriously diminishes the quality and quantity of blog topics. Which makes me wonder… am I my neighbors? Am I seriously incapable of looking at myself before pointing at what’s wrong with others? Or did I honestly just go there for ideas of what to talk about?

I don’t know. What I do know is I need a topic.

How ’bout the state of our communication?

It’s going absolutely wonderfully. So far.

I’m always so skeptical.

We both have a habit of saying “Yes, this is what we want. This is how we want it to be. This is what we’re going to do from now on.” and then within a week we go right back to the way we were before. The way that made us miserable. Because with everything going on outside our home it’s easier to let a sleeping dog lie at home. Best to get things settled outside so things are less stressful on the inside.

Problem is, things outside aren’t straightening out. They’re getting worse. And with us constantly letting everything else fall by the wayside, walking on broken glass to not stir up more trouble, tiptoeing to avoid more stress, the actual relationship and any problems in it get put on the back burner left to simmer and esculate (tee hee!).

Master’s said, “No more.” He’s put His foot down. He makes sure to make it perfectly clear when He asks me a question that I’m to be honest. It’s sad that He has to do that. But it’s a fact of me. I’m a stuffer.

I’m getting better though. I actually tell Him what’s wrong when He asks the second time instead of the twentieth! And yesterday He asked me a question that I’ve completely programmed myself to answer the way I know He wants me to. Instead, I told Him the truth. My real feelings on the subject. I think that’s the first time I’ve told Him the truth, and been adamant about Him understanding what I think, with regard to that particular question the entire time we’ve been together.

It makes me nervous, though. It makes me scared that I’m not really who He fell in love with. It worries me because all this time I’ve been telling Him what He wants to hear and showing Him what He wants to see. What if the truth isn’t really what He wants to hear? What if the real me isn’t someone He can love?

I guess we cross that bridge when we come to it. In the meantime, this communication stuff is pretty awesome. And I refuse to run scared this time. I will stand my ground. I will go down with this ship.