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May 2nd, 2008

Mornings like this one (although I was surly and mean) remind me just how lucky I am to have chosen the man I did.

Still exhausted from yesterday, another day in which I barely had time to sit down, and not getting much sleep last night because of the pain and numbness in my hands, I snapped at Him pretty bad when He mentioned that He might want to get up three hours before the alarm was set to go off.

I had no right. I was wrong. And when He responded with more hurt than anger I felt like an asshole.

I could justify it ten ways from Thursday. At four am I woke to pins and needles all the way up my arms. It took two hours for my hands to return to normalcy. And then when I was finally ready to attempt to go to sleep again, He wanted to get up!

Now my hands hurt. I mean… it hurts to hold the fork I’m eating my lunch with. Typing is excruciating. And no matter what I’m doing, they start with the pins and needles again. Even when I’m sitting perfectly still and resting them on a completely flat surface. None of that gives me an excuse.

He could have punished me. He could have strung me up and given me something to whine about. Instead, He cuddled me for a little while, after admonishing me for my attitude, then got up by Himself and told me to go back to sleep. And got mad at me when He came to wake me up and realized His pager was going off and I didn’t say something so I could continue to sleep * grin *

It didn’t fix me. I’m still a little sad because I feel even worse now than I did then. My stomach hurts, my nose is stuffy, my back is killing me. But I’m more rested and I’m extremely grateful for that. And I’m feeling like a really lucky slave right now. Because I know there are girls out there who at least claim to be worked to the bone through sickness, pain and emotional problems. And while I do still have to at least attempt to get my things done, He usually gives me a lot of leeway. While I’m younger than most, I’m still no spring chicken anymore. And my wild younger years are trying to catch up with me.

Thank You, Master. I love You.

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