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Sorting Things Out

April 29th, 2008

I won’t be working much longer, a fact that I am ecstatic about. We’ve figured out a way for me to not have to work after the next couple of months without me having to go back on medication and disability. And the job is becoming entirely too much for me. Fiftyish hours a week makes it increasingly more difficult for me to function on a day to day basis as a slave. I leave before Master gets up and by the time I get home from a thirteen hour stint, I’m too tired to keep my eyes open for more than a couple hours, let alone gracefully accept a beating or happily make dinner… after making breakfast, lunch and dinner for forty people. It’s really sort of sad. I used to love cooking.

And they’re making it worse. They’re already bitching about the amount of overtime T and I are raking in but they’ve just caused us a shit load more work. So when I’m there till 7:30-8:00 every night and the main office starts asking why I’ll just smile and direct them to N and C.

In any case, the job going away is probably the best thing that could happen to us. I’ll finally be able to concentrate fully on the things I should be concentrating on.

Last Sunday and Monday were probably the clinchers even though the only part work played in that was me being extremely overtired. My emotional breakdown was entirely too much for me to handle and more than Master had time to deal with. But He pushed everything on His plate aside and stepped up to walk me through it without giving me the slightest impression that I was inconveniencing Him. And when it still wasn’t resolved (because I didn’t completely lay everything on the table) and I started to fall apart again this past Sunday, He stepped up again and took me down another path. 

When we finally came up for air after our second hours-long conversation – this time face to face, which is extremely difficult for me to do but probably helped a lot for reasons I can’t explain – my legs had stopped wobbling and my chest had finally loosened. I was once again emotionally stable, for the most part, and looking into the future with Master by my side instead of feeling like He was miles away.

We have communication issues. Most of which are my fault. According to psychiatrists and therapists, assigning blame is counterproductive but I like to call a spade a spade. I’m a stuffer. Rather than flop any issues on the table and deal with them before they’re giant 800lb monsters, I bury them deep in the recesses of my mind. The dark places that are full of cobwebs and creepy crawly things and mutant chemicals that make things grow at astonishing speeds. The places I never go. Which is fine when I put the first thing there. But with each issue I push into this place to be forgotten, the storage space gets smaller. And eventually it all comes tumbling out again. And eventually I lose the ability to pretend everything’s peachy. And I explode. And things get a little crazy. Then I walk away from the mess and leave Master to pick up the pieces and put it all back together again.

By that time, it’s a hundred times worse. I’m angry because Master should have known about my issues and fixed them. Masters are supposed to be psychic, don’t you know. Master’s mad because I’ve been lying to Him and telling Him I’m fine and there are no problems. Telling Him what I think He wants to hear instead of what I’m really thinking and feeling. And we’re both so irritated and hurt and disappointed and angry we can’t find our way back to that meeting place where we put our heads together and make everything work the way it’s supposed to.

Part of it is directly related to my mental disorders. I hate calling them that. I feel like by calling them that it points out a weak spot. Maybe I’m too proud after all. But the fact remains that part of the problem is that, while I’m pretty good at hiding my “breakdowns” and dealing with them myself without inconveniencing Master too much, occasionally I need a leg up. As much as I want to be, as much as I love Him, as much as it kills me to have to admit it, I may not ever be completely stable. I may not ever be completely secure in our relationship. I may always have fears and doubts and concerns and… The most important part of being me and/or being involved with someone who has as many issues as I do is remembering not to take them personally. Understanding that most of it is just the way my mind works. Sometimes my fears and doubts and such are just in my head.

Master pointed that out to me and I think He’s right.

In any case, we crawled inside my head together and shook things up and ironed things out. We dusted and vacuumed and took out the garbage. And I’ve got some of my faith back. Faith is important.

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