Home > Rayne > Losing My Religion

Losing My Religion

March 22nd, 2008

Naturally now that I’m back to work on this crazy schedule, I’m having trouble sleeping. I’m not sure if it’s cause of my increased caffeine intake or because my body’s so mixed up. I’ll get through it, though, I guess. And then they’ll hire someone and my schedule will change again.

I’m forming a strange sort of kinship with the oldest woman on staff at my job, though she’s driving me crazy today. Laughing She’s realizing that, while we might not always see eye to eye, I’m the only one who’s neither bosom buddies with the administrator and her entourage nor a kiss ass. This makes me the only one who doesn’t run and tell on everything she says to me (besides the weekend girls… who don’t count cause they’re only there 16 hours a week 😛 ). And I’m slowly starting to realize she’s not the crotchety old witch I once feared she was. In a circus such as my job one begins to realize how important having someone you can trust becomes.

It’s funny how, when you wake up and pay attention, you realize that the very basic rules of life apply to every part of it. You don’t realize how important trust can be until you don’t have it anymore. And being without it makes for a very miserable person.

What everything boils down to in recent events is I just lost the ability to trust (again). Or maybe I never had it. Maybe I tried to pretend I did for the sake of pleasing the man I love but when it came right down to it I really didn’t trust Him to take me where we both wanted to go. I mean, that has to be it, right?

And I didn’t just lose faith and confidence and trust in Him, but I lost them in our relationship and myself. If you don’t believe you can do something, whether you’ve done it before or not, generally speaking you won’t be able to do it. Not believing in yourself and others involved in whatever it is you’re trying to do is setting yourself up for failure.

It affected everything. From the way I spoke to Him to the way I perceived Him to the way I behaved. I could take the readily available copout and say, “He gave me the rope to hang myself, so I did.” but there’s almost always a deeper reason for why we do the things we do in relationships. And mine is that I stopped trusting. I lost faith.

Losing your religion sucks. No matter the reason. I’m glad I’m finding my God again. And you know… even though my job is still the same zoo it always was and our finances aren’t as well off as I’d like them to be and summer’s right around the corner and I haven’t lost a pound of the weight I wanted to lose by then… I’m no where near as stressed out as I was when my faith was gone. I like that.

And with that… I promise that unless something else happens that affects (I suck at affect and effect… I don’t know that I’ll ever get it.) all this I’m done blathering on about it. Tuesday will bring a new subject. It’s just so nice to be back in the saddle, you know?

Categories: Rayne Tags: No tags for this post.
Comments are closed.
%d bloggers like this: