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Starting Over

March 16th, 2008

This entry is going to be a bit more than difficult for me. I know what I want to say but not how I want to say it. So please bear with me.

Thursday night was painful. Master spent much of Thursday listening to recorded discussions on different BDSM based subjects and realized that a good deal of what we both claimed to want and thought we had we… didn’t. My first reaction was probably the same as some of yours. My response was something along the lines of “So you listen to a podcast and suddenly your opinions change?” But that wasn’t it at all.

His opinions were/are the same. They haven’t changed one iota. What changed was His perception. He realized that He didn’t have what I said I was giving Him. What changed was His ability to see my actions for what they were. Topping from the bottom. In essence, not only am I a failure, but I’m a fraud.

I can’t, and won’t, completely blame myself. I am happiest when following instruction rather than giving instruction but I have been known to take charge when I feel like things aren’t going the way they should. If I feel like the person in control has faltered, I pick up the reins. Which might not have been so bad had I left them attached to the collar round my neck. But I didn’t. I tied them around Master’s neck instead.

Every time He tried to regain control, I made things that much more difficult. Eventually, He was giving in to my whims to avoid a fight. To avoid displeasing His slave. 

He wanted something I was afraid of or wasn’t interested in? I tugged a heart string or two to get my way. He said or did something that irritated me or downright pissed me off? I made Him pay by forcing Him to deal with my attitude. Our relationship left the realm of “My way or the highway” on His side and became “I’ll obey eventually but not without making things difficult for you.” on my side. Or maybe it always was that way? I’ve gone over and over the past five years in my head and I can’t decide. This is a very real example of me being able to spew forth the basic rules of slavery until I’m blue in the face and not abiding by them.

I don’t know where it went wrong. I don’t know when I stopped caring about the reality of our relationship and just started pretending it was what it was supposed to be. And I think that’s the worst part of all this. I don’t know if I was always this worthless or if I developed into this unslavelike mess that I have become.

Master says not to dwell. That this is a good thing. We’ve realized where we went wrong and we’re working on fixing it.

Really, we’re starting over. Reteaching me very basic rules such as responding to the orders He gives me, following His orders in the order they are given instead of picking and choosing what I do first, finishing the orders I’ve been given before moving on to something else and asking if there’s anything else He needs/wants me to do before going to do whatever I want to do. I spent a good deal of time yesterday just sitting in one place and staring at the walls and the aquariums and the coffee table wishing I could do something fun or productive or both but I’d been told not to move. To just sit there.

Master keeps saying “Isn’t it so much better when I’m the master and you’re the slave?” And until this morning, it was. But I’m catching myself not responding to the things He says because I’m “busy” doing something else and don’t want to lose my train of thought. I’m catching Him not saying anything when I don’t respond. Whether it’s for the same reasons He stopped saying something when I fucked up before or not, I don’t know. Maybe He honestly just didn’t notice. Or maybe He thought I had a valid reason for not responding.

The fear I felt when He told me to make up my mind (change or give up BDSM) is back. What if I can’t? What if I’ve gotten so used to being a bitch, so used to being in control, that I can’t fix it? What if I can’t fix me?

With every complaint that came out of His mouth on Thursday, I thought “But I never wanted that.” I never wanted Him to cave to my manipulations. I never wanted Him to avoid doing things He might enjoy to please me. I never wanted Him to change the way He did things, the way He enjoyed doing things, to make me happy. But that doesn’t change the fact that I worked to get Him to do those things and He did them.

When faced with what we each have done over the course of our relationship we realized that we are both at fault. And we were ultimately facing giving up or starting over. I asked to start over….

He asked me what was wrong and, after originally saying nothing, I told Him I was annoyed with myself. For rolling my eyes when He told me to get in the shower and not responding to His orders as I should. I guess that’s progress. I used to think that it was okay to screw up as long as He didn’t say anything.

He took me in the bedroom and caned my ass. When I tried to move out of the way He told me to resume position and started again. I’m not sure how many He intended to give me so I don’t know if He started at the beginning or started where He left off.

When He was finished I curled up at His feet and cried.

“I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“Of not being able to make you happy.”

“You don’t have a choice.”

“What if I can’t?”

His voice a little firmer, He said, “You don’t have a choice.” He paused a moment, then asked, “Is that clear enough for you?”

“Yes, Master.” I’m still scared. Maybe that’s a good thing? I don’t know.

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