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Starting Over

March 16th, 2008 No comments

This entry is going to be a bit more than difficult for me. I know what I want to say but not how I want to say it. So please bear with me.

Thursday night was painful. Master spent much of Thursday listening to recorded discussions on different BDSM based subjects and realized that a good deal of what we both claimed to want and thought we had we… didn’t. My first reaction was probably the same as some of yours. My response was something along the lines of “So you listen to a podcast and suddenly your opinions change?” But that wasn’t it at all.

His opinions were/are the same. They haven’t changed one iota. What changed was His perception. He realized that He didn’t have what I said I was giving Him. What changed was His ability to see my actions for what they were. Topping from the bottom. In essence, not only am I a failure, but I’m a fraud.

I can’t, and won’t, completely blame myself. I am happiest when following instruction rather than giving instruction but I have been known to take charge when I feel like things aren’t going the way they should. If I feel like the person in control has faltered, I pick up the reins. Which might not have been so bad had I left them attached to the collar round my neck. But I didn’t. I tied them around Master’s neck instead.

Every time He tried to regain control, I made things that much more difficult. Eventually, He was giving in to my whims to avoid a fight. To avoid displeasing His slave. 

He wanted something I was afraid of or wasn’t interested in? I tugged a heart string or two to get my way. He said or did something that irritated me or downright pissed me off? I made Him pay by forcing Him to deal with my attitude. Our relationship left the realm of “My way or the highway” on His side and became “I’ll obey eventually but not without making things difficult for you.” on my side. Or maybe it always was that way? I’ve gone over and over the past five years in my head and I can’t decide. This is a very real example of me being able to spew forth the basic rules of slavery until I’m blue in the face and not abiding by them.

I don’t know where it went wrong. I don’t know when I stopped caring about the reality of our relationship and just started pretending it was what it was supposed to be. And I think that’s the worst part of all this. I don’t know if I was always this worthless or if I developed into this unslavelike mess that I have become.

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