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Keep Away…

January 17th, 2008

The other day Master and I were talking about my big mouth. Not how mouthy I am, but how I tend to blurt out every tiny detail that enters my mind without first considering the consequences. Namely things that I really. Do. Not. Want. To. Do.

Now, mind you, I’ve been trained that self-censorship and/or self-preservation are bad. Yet He says to me… “One of these days you’ll smarten up and stop telling me what you really don’t want to do.” I glance up at Him and He finishes by saying “It only makes me want to make you do it all the more. Did you forget that I’m a sadist?” (Well, actually He asked if I forgot He was a masochist but I knew what He meant. We spent about two days of “I’m a masochist. You’ll get beat when I feel like beating you.” followed by incessant giggles and a tormented, “You know what I mean!!!”)

In a relationship based on full disclosure, hearing “Stop telling me what you don’t want to do.” is a hard pill to swallow. With orders, I can understand that stance. My father, ever the military man, took it when we were growing up. “I didn’t ask what you wanted to do. Do as you’re told.” I can imagine where hearing “But I don’t want to.” after giving a slave an order can be tiresome. But I’m talking fantasies and scene ideas! Isn’t my input important??!?

The short answer is no, it isn’t. My input doesn’t change what He will enjoy, except maybe to make Him enjoy it all the more knowing I don’t want to be doing what I’m doing. My input doesn’t change anything except putting me in an awkward position in which my soul is laid bare and He’s pulling the strings needed to deepen my vulnerability and discomfort.

So what do I do? Do I take His advice and stop telling Him when I don’t want to do something? I feel like that’s self-censoring and self-preservation. And I feel like it’s dishonest. So I just sort of go with the flow. What comes out of my mouth comes out. I’m more comfortable that way. And besides… it’s fun (I originally typed “It’s fuck”… we know what’s on my mind!) to watch His eyes light up with yet another idea of how to make me miserable while making my pussy drip.

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