I think my biggest problem lately is I’ve pretty much completely isolated myself. I don’t know how to make friends and the friendships I do have usually happened completely by accident. I have all sorts of coworkers that I’d at least call acquaintances,and a few that I call “friend”, but when it comes right down to it they’re all vanilla and I really can’t comfortably talk to them about the BDSM part of our relationship. A person can only handle so many “My man would never even dream of controlling me.” comments before they want to start ripping people’s eyes out.

Well, that’s great. Bully for you. But I LIKE that my Man controls me. I LIKE that He’s not afraid of His masculinity. I LIKE that He makes the decisions, even when I don’t like the decisions He makes. I wasn’t asking what you like. You, quite honestly, do not matter in the grand scheme of Master and rayne’s relationship.

So I turn to the BDSM community online (since we’ve really not ventured out into the real life part aside from joining a munch mailing list) and I find myself balking at the possibility of having people to talk to there. Very few places you go online are just people discussing the things they do. People helping people. Everyone’s snarky and snippy and “I’m so much better than you.”y and it just seriously pisses me off.

“I would NEVER do it that way and that makes me a better <blank> than you so I win! Kthxbye!”

Fuck you in your holier than thou cunt with a pine cone covered in cinnamon oil and razor blades.

I want kinky friends. Females I can talk to about what’s going through my head at any given time. Females who will listen to what I have to say and never judge, will criticize only with my best interests at heart (and not some crusade to put everyone around them down), will be brutally honest with me regardless of whether or not it will dash my feelings to pieces but without the “This is why I’m better than you” undertone, will fill the awkward silences with conversation instead of leaving me to do it, will just plain hold up their end of the friendship. In other words, I want a submissive female Master. And it wouldn’t hurt if she fell as in love with Master as I am and asked to be His as well. You can guess how many times I’ve found this. But at the same time, I’ve avoided looking since the last “friendship” went bust.

When did this thing we do become a competition?

I’ve said all this before. And I got a response! But I’m a chicken shit and I let that conversation fall by the wayside. Because I’ve managed to convince myself that I’m not worth knowing.

So I talk to Master more than I used to. So maybe this isolating myself thing has been a good thing. But I feel myself turning toward “He just doesn’t get it! He’s not submissive!” He’s got a counter for everything I say and it’s always logical and on point. For some reason, “Hey, stupid. You’re a slave, remember?” gets through to me more when another submissive says it. When Master says it, it just gets my hackles up or makes me sad cause I’m pretty sure He’s disappointed or something.

On another note… I’ve been in a weird “Master doesn’t like/love me anymore.” slump (It’s getting on His nerves… srsly). And I found myself wondering why He refused to release me when I told Him I didn’t want to be a slave anymore. Is it more because He owns me and doesn’t want to let go of His possession before He’s damn good and ready? Or is it more because He loves me and wants to be with me? Does it matter?

Sometimes I wonder what I’d be like if I’d first ventured into submission simply for submission’s sake and not in a relationship where it could be misconstrued as an act of devotion. I wonder what we’d be like. And I wonder if I should work on separating the love part of our relationship from the M/s part. Except that scares me. Because I worry that one of the two will disappear if I do that. Maybe a silly worry to some, but it’s a worry nonetheless.

I guess it’s a good thing that I worry about it, though. Cause it means that I still want both and this slump I’ve been in is just that… a slump. I can get out of it. Maybe it’s just those damn winter blues. Maybe when it stops fucking snowing and the sun comes out again I’ll be better. Perhaps I should buy some of those lamps they say work so well.

What’s with us humans and wanting to be loved anyway?