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December 11th, 2007

The other day on one of the websites I frequent one of the thread topics was expectations. I think the author expected a number of “slaves aren’t allowed expectations” answers, and quite possibly could have gotten them, but, it being little more than a fluff site, mostly got real answers with lists of what submissives expect from their dominant partners. Naturally, it got me thinking.

I’ve been known to say, a time or two, that slaves don’t have the right to expectations beyond what was agreed upon before begging the collars of their owners. And in a perfect world, every slave would live by this. In a perfect world, every slave would just be a slave and there wouldn’t be so many differing opinions on what exactly that meant. But this isn’t a perfect world and slaves are human beings. And because of that, there are, on occasion, all sorts of displeasing things we do. Including forming lists of expectations, be they attainable or not.

For example, we expect domination in return for our submission. A very natural expectation from where I sit. We’ll disregard the fact that the very idea of expecting something in return negates the idea of submission being a gift. That’s another argument for another time. What if our dominant partner’s idea of domination is different than ours? We expect them to dominate us in the way we want to be dominated without fail. It’s human to want things our way. But while we expect to have our needs met, we often forget there’s another party involved who also desires to have their needs met. Another dominant party.

Another thing we tend to expect from a dominant/submissive relationship is love. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard “I will not submit to him if he doesn’t love me.” or “I can’t submit to someone I don’t love.” I’m not sure I can count that high. While it’s nice in theory, the master being in love with the slave and vice versa, it doesn’t always happen that way and some believe that the relationships are better for it. I think that if it weren’t for the intense love Master and I share our relationship would be lacking. But I won’t go so far as to say that I couldn’t or wouldn’t submit to someone I don’t love. The main reason for that being that I know Master will make me submit to strangers and sometimes known people who I hate just for the fun of it. I know He will because He has in the past.

Honesty. Trust. Happiness. Pleasure. Nourishment. Protection. Shelter. Companionship. Affection. Devotion and loyalty (not necessarily monogamy). Being listened to. Support. Fun. Laughter. Compatibility. Good hygiene. These are all normal things for people to expect from a relationship.

Pain. Bondage. Discipline. Punishment. Praise. Enjoyment. Guidance. Sexual use. Fairness. Humiliation. Opportunity to be of service. Perversion. Consistency. These are all things we, as submissives, tend to look for in a dominant partner.

I can honestly say that I hope for each and every one of these qualities. I expect them. Even the ones I don’t always provide (such as honesty – I’m working on that). But even as I expect them, I know that I don’t have a right to them. I know that should He choose to stop living up to any of them that is absolutely His right. That doesn’t stop me from throwing a tantrum when I don’t feel I’m getting my needs met. Somewhere between knowing and acting on what I know my wires get crossed.

I think what I’m trying to say is that expectations of qualities one hopes to reap the benefits of in a dominant partner are great before the relationship starts. Not so much once the relationship has become an ongoing thing. While one hopes that the dominant will remain who they were when the relationship began, beyond what was explicitly agreed upon before the collar was placed round one’s neck one has no say. It sucks. It’s not fair. It’s the way things are (in our M/s world, that is).

That’s part of why I advocate so strongly for leaving a loophole until you’re absolutely certain this is what you want. Don’t say “for life” until you know this person is always going to be what you expect. It’s not as if they can keep you there. These relationships aren’t legally binding. But another admirable quality people look for in a relationship is a person who lives by their word. Your word is your bond. If you don’t stand by it, your word means nothing.

I’ve gone way off the path I had laid out for this blog entry. My mind wandered and that was that. Maybe Thursday will be a better blog day.

Disclaimer: I realize that some of the “expectations” I mentioned are things agreed upon in most relationships before the slave is owned.

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