Archive for December 6th, 2007

Fat With a F

December 6th, 2007 No comments

I was trying to find the entry in which I mentioned my weight but I think I’ve given up. I don’t remember if it was a “white lie” to make myself feel better or if I was honest about how much I weigh. It doesn’t matter. In this post, I’m letting it all hang out.

When I met Master, I weighed between 160 and 180 pounds and was in a size sixteen pants. I was a diet pill and Slim Fast junkie, among other things, though I left laxatives alone and didn’t make myself throw up. All I’d eaten in at least five days was a single tuna sandwich made with fat free mayonnaise and low-carb bread. And even then, I was riddled with guilt with every bite, chastising myself for being weak and ended up giving half of it to the dog. I was textbook anorexic, and had been for at least six months, even though I wasn’t yet skin and bone. I don’t know how much I weighed when it started. I just remember going from a size twenty-two to a size sixteen in only a few weeks. My energy level was off the charts, though that was due, mostly, to the ephedra-riddled diet pills. My moods were better thanks to the amazing amount of anti-psychotics and SSRIs I was prescribed and, even though my hair was falling out and my clothes were ratty, I had more eyes on me than I ever had before.

I fell pretty hard. And when Master picked me back up He outlawed diet pills, Slim Fast and starving myself first thing. I gained a few pounds the first week. Shortly after that, cigarettes were banned. I gained more weight by filling my usual cigarette breaks with eating breaks. And because I was quitting smoking, I had a way to hide the things I had been doing to myself to lose weight. I used quitting smoking as my excuse for quickly ballooning up to 275 pounds and kept to myself the fact that I had an eating disorder.

My eating disorder went from one side of the spectrum to the other. Now, instead of refusing to let much more than a basically fat free sandwich and some diet pills passed my lips, I was eating everything in sight. Gorging myself until I quite literally couldn’t put another bite in my mouth without vomiting. Binge eating had become my new best friend.

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