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Painfully Honest

November 29th, 2007

Time and again it’s proven to me just how much the “I’m a real [something] and you’re not.” attitude gets to me. I think it’s the “I’m better than you.” undertone it carries. There’s nothing that gets my hackles up more than hearing that someone else is better than me from their own mouths. Well, another female anyway.

Don’t misunderstand. I know there are people who are better than me at the things I do. Even if I haven’t met them yet (though in most cases, I have). I’m not so arrogant and deluded that I believe I’m the best at everything. I could tick off a dozen things I do and point out someone who is better than me at it. But that doesn’t make them a better person than me. And that doesn’t make their existence more worthy than mine. And that doesn’t mean that their opinions are more important and more founded than mine are. More established does not mean infallible.

As I make my way through the end of my twenty-seventh year in life, I’m finding more and more flaws with myself, both related to my slavery and not. And as I look back over the years, I notice things that I said or did that, had it come from someone else aimed at me, would have infuriated me. Even then. When I was doing it myself.

People say things to me, point out flaws, show me where I’m wrong and now, instead of being offended, I get all sorts of apologetic and depressed. I see that as growth. Now to get passed the arrogance that makes me think If they don’t like it they can fuck off. instead of How can I change this so I’m less offensive?

And yet I still find myself being a judgmental ass. I see myself looking at other females, submissive or not, and listening to the things they say and watching the things they do and thinking “Well at least I don’t do that anymore.” and “Thank god I’m not like her.”

Somewhere in my training I remember being told it’s not for me to judge. Nothing. No matter what it is. My place is to accept people and things for who and what they are. I’m to stand up for myself if something someone says or does may get me into trouble or make me (hence making Master) look bad in any way provided I’m not fucking up too. But beyond that, I’m to accept things for what they are. I’ve never been a very accepting person. This has been a hard lesson for me. And I console myself by recognizing that so many other people, both male and female, dominant and submissive, have this problem in their everyday lives as well. But I shouldn’t.

I accuse people of coddling me. Of being enablers. Of not telling me when I’m being an asshole for fear of hurting my feelings or angering me. I’m the biggest enabler of all. Whether it be by coddling myself or by wielding that anger (whether I actually feel it or not) like a weapon when things are pointed out to me instead of just saying, “You’re right. I’m an asshole. I’m sorry.” and attempting to change.

What does all of this have to do with slavery? Everything and nothing. It took me two years of being a slave to realize these things. I probably never would have seen them had I not swallowed my pride and followed my dream. And had I not begged Master to be honest with me and stop pretending I was perfect, I would have continued to bury my head in the sand. So, two years ago I asked for honesty, and for the past three years I’ve continued to say, “Oh, you’re right.” and change… nothing.

He doesn’t hesitate to point out my flaws and I like that. He doesn’t hesitate to tell me when I’m fucking up. When I’m being a cunt. When I’m ignoring the obvious. I respect that. I need more people like that. When I ask someone a question, I want an honest answer. I don’t want to have to beg them to be honest. I suppose I should follow that as well.

I’m not always honest in my answers. Generally speaking, my intentions are noble. They’re the same excuses everyone uses for “white lies”. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. Or I didn’t want to cause a fight. Or I didn’t want to get in trouble. That last one is more of a no-no than any of the others, I think. It’s my responsibility, as a slave, to stand up like an adult (Ew! The dreaded “A” word!) and take responsibility for what I do, right or wrong.

I’m not always honest in my answers to Master. I’m forever responding to “What’s wrong?” with “Nothing.” And it’s usually to avoid a fight. I know that when I tell Him what’s bothering me it’s going to hurt Him or make Him angry. And when He responds and/or retaliates, I won’t be able to keep my mouth shut. I won’t be able to be the good little slave and respond with “Yes, Master.” like I should. I want to be able to but, in my mind, just responding with “Yes, Master.” when I have more to say feels dishonest as well. And while I could say what I want to say without being disrespectful, the more heated the conversation becomes the more impossible I find that to be. And then things are coming from my mouth (or fingers, if we’re talking online) before my brain can even engage enough to tug on the reins.

And I’m forever making up excuses. I console myself with knowing that I don’t expect the excuses to have any bearing on the outcome. There’s me coddling myself again.

So what do you do when you can point out a million flaws within yourself and you’re not entirely sure what to do about them? I mean, it’s easy to say, “Just change.” It’s not so easy to do it. Some would say it’s good that I see them. From where I sit, seeing them doesn’t do any good at all if I can’t change them. And am I really incapable? Or did I just stop caring somewhere along the line? And goddess I’m in a world of hurt if the latter is true. Not just because I’m a slave, either, though that is the main reason. But because I’m a human being who currently has to interact with other human beings on a regular basis.

This is my first public step in being honest always. We’ll see where it goes from here, I suppose.

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