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Painfully Honest

November 29th, 2007 No comments

Time and again it’s proven to me just how much the “I’m a real [something] and you’re not.” attitude gets to me. I think it’s the “I’m better than you.” undertone it carries. There’s nothing that gets my hackles up more than hearing that someone else is better than me from their own mouths. Well, another female anyway.

Don’t misunderstand. I know there are people who are better than me at the things I do. Even if I haven’t met them yet (though in most cases, I have). I’m not so arrogant and deluded that I believe I’m the best at everything. I could tick off a dozen things I do and point out someone who is better than me at it. But that doesn’t make them a better person than me. And that doesn’t make their existence more worthy than mine. And that doesn’t mean that their opinions are more important and more founded than mine are. More established does not mean infallible.

As I make my way through the end of my twenty-seventh year in life, I’m finding more and more flaws with myself, both related to my slavery and not. And as I look back over the years, I notice things that I said or did that, had it come from someone else aimed at me, would have infuriated me. Even then. When I was doing it myself.

People say things to me, point out flaws, show me where I’m wrong and now, instead of being offended, I get all sorts of apologetic and depressed. I see that as growth. Now to get passed the arrogance that makes me think If they don’t like it they can fuck off. instead of How can I change this so I’m less offensive?

And yet I still find myself being a judgmental ass. I see myself looking at other females, submissive or not, and listening to the things they say and watching the things they do and thinking “Well at least I don’t do that anymore.” and “Thank god I’m not like her.”

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