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Thoughts and Feelings Surrounding…

October 2nd, 2007

Master and I have been having some really awesome sex lately. It’s like the craziness of the other day was needed to kick our sex life into high gear. And that’s not all that has changed.

Up until lately, I just sort of floated through life. Like I had learned all the motions so well that I just mechanically went through them whether I wanted to or not. Things happened or they didn’t and I wasn’t particularly concerned with which. I’d get up, go through the motions of getting Master ready and sending Him off to work. I’d kiss Him goodbye the same way I do every morning, told Him I love Him and closed the door as He walked across the parking lot. Then I’d go through my morning stuff, get ready for work and wander off to put my nose to the grindstone. When work was over, I’d walk home, drop my purse and keys on the table and start dinner. Emotionless. Routine. A set system in place.

And then, the fight.

Now, by 4:15 I’m completely sick of being at work and missing Master dreadfully. By five o’clock I’m itching to go home. By 6:15 I can’t sit still. All I can think of is running home and flinging myself into His arms. At 6:30 I’m standing in the med room glaring at the clock and attempting to act interested in any conversations that are going on there or in the lobby. At 6:45 I can no longer stand the wait and I’m walking increasingly faster, a little bounce to my step and a grin on my face, my chest swelling with anticipation. I attack the locked door handle with all the fervor of a starving lion finding its first meal in a week. And I don’t even stop to drop my purse and keys. If they make it on the table as I practically run by, I’m lucky.

I’ve been thinking about everything that went on and I can’t really pinpoint any one emotion that attributed to the way things happened. When Master asked me if I wanted to be a slave anymore, my response was “I don’t know.”I’ve been so frustrated with all the decisions I can’t make for myself, all the things I can’t do without express permission, all the things I can’t have unless He allows me to, all the things I have to do that I really don’t want to or don’t enjoy or am not interested in…

I would watch Him buy things for Himself when I had asked for something similar and was denied and get so angry. And then the anger would make way to hurt and I would take His refusal of what I wanted as a personal insult or something. Too many nos and I was ready to break things. I was acting like a child.

And then Master asked if I still wanted to be a slave. And the first answer that flew into my head was “Yes, but…”I actually considered putting all sorts of limitations on it. Yes, but I want to be able to say no to a, b and c and have you force me to do d, e and f. Yes, but I want to be able to do a, b and c whenever I want and have you choose when I’m allowed to do d, e and f. Yes, but I want you to do a, b and c and I don’t want you to do d, e and f anymore. And then what I said was “I don’t know.”I don’t know because I don’t like this part and I can’t stand that part and the other part makes me crazy. I don’t know because I just rediscovered this and I want to keep it. I don’t know because I just noticed that and I don’t want to do that. I just don’t know.

But I remembered how it feels to have His chain locked to His ring of steel around my throat. I remembered the tingle that follows the most direct route from my ear to every part of my body when He whispers “Mine.”in my ear as He holds me tightly to Him with His fist in my hair or wrapped around my collar. I remembered the gratitude punishment brings, if not right away then not far down the road. Especially when I learn the lesson taught. I remembered how wonderful I felt being owned. Feeling worthy. I remembered the days when I behaved and I was so exquisitely happy being a slave.

I remember thinking, that day, that no one cared what happened to me. I remember going through every living face in my family, including Master, and thinking I wasn’t worth anyone’s time. And after so desperately pleading with Him to stay, I remember wondering why I wanted to continue being something wholly unworthy to someone so highly revered in my heart and mind.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this. The more I try to explain my feelings, the worse it sounds. I guess what it comes down to is I was lost… lonely… confused. Instead of giving Him a chance to help me through my issues, I insisted that He could never understand. To myself and to others. And I lost sight of the things that I hold so dear about being a slave. About being His slave. And I freaked out. There’s no other way to describe it. I freaked out.

I can’t guarantee it will never happen again. But at least next time I’ll have an idea of how to react instead of feeling out which way I need to go and losing my way.

Master’s right. It’s time to move on. Things righted themselves and we’re doing pretty good.

And we’re going to Disney in 18 days. I can’t wait. The vacation will do me some good, I think. And it will definitely do Master some good. Provided I can keep Him from answering His cell and compulsively checking His email all day.

Speaking of Disney, I’m not sure what’s going to happen with the blog while we’re gone. Master will be bringing His laptop and His company is paying for our internet access in the room so that if He’s needed in the event of an emergency He can help with whatever they need. But I’m not sure if He’s going to have me write or not. I’ll talk to Him about it and get back to you guys on that one. Would you even miss me for a week? lol

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