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Archive for September, 2007

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day… and then some.

September 29th, 2007 No comments

Yesterday was the beginning. If I’d listened to my mind instead of my hopes, I’d have known which way the day was going to go. I almost don’t want to talk about it. It’s been a long time since I’ve fucked up like this.

I’d been crying on and off since about 10:30am with no real understanding of why except some serious anxiety. A while back, I complained about my ability to sense things and I’d thought it had abandoned me but here it was, slapping me in the face, and I… ignored it.

A girl I worked with offered to meet me at work at 2pm and take me to cash my check. Then she was going to take me to pick up a few things Master and I needed. Even though she’d offered to do it, I’d offered her gas money. She declined since everywhere she was taking me was somewhere she had to go anyway. I was there exactly on time and she’d already came and left. Things went from bad to worse and my anxiety went insane.

I won’t go into all the details of the night. I’ll only qualify that what came next had only a little to do with the girl not showing up. Believe me when I say the rest was bad. Very, very bad. And the morning was even worse. And I can almost guarantee it’s not over. I’ll be feeling the aftershock of the past two days for a while. I have no one to blame but myself.

This morning, I decided not to get out of bed. If I didn’t get up, bad things couldn’t happen, right? That was my logic, anyway. And before I met Master, it worked pretty well. I asked Him if He was going to be mad at me forever, and He flew out of bed a few minutes later and into the shower without so much as a word. I curled into a ball and the tears I thought had finally dried up last night began again.

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Aiding and Abetting

September 27th, 2007 Comments off

I’ve been warring with myself about posting this and I’ve decided it doesn’t really matter. That might sound harsh to the person this is about, but it’s true and I’d rather be honest.

I was messaged a while back by a slave who is required to get permission from her owner before speaking to anyone – dominant, submissive, vanilla – online. I don’t know much about their situation. I’ve been overly cautious in speaking with her. She made clear to me that her owner doesn’t know she talks to me.

This puts me in an odd position. First, it makes me feel completely out of line for talking to her. In talking to her, I’m going against her owner’s rules for her and I feel like that means I’m going against my owner’s rules for me. I’m aiding and abetting defiance of another man. I’m not allowed to defy any men. Well, unless they want me to do something that is against Master’s rules.

Next, it makes me feel… unworthy I guess. She wants to talk to me, but not bad enough to ask permission. There could be any number of reasons for this. He doesn’t like me. He’s trying to cut her off from the rest of the world. She already knows the answer will be no for whatever reason. She’s looking for a small way to defy him. Or, while she wants to talk to me, she doesn’t want anyone to know. That’s about the extent of the reasons I can come up with right now. One cup of coffee just doesn’t get me going like it used to. Read more…

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Screaming From Mountain Tops

September 25th, 2007 No comments

The end of last week and the start of this week have been pretty amazing. Master and I have been spending so much of our “off time” together, just hanging out, doing what we enjoy, having a blast.

And every time I’m about to tell everyone something good, something bad happens and I lose interest.

I am in serious need of at least one submissive friend. No, not submissive. Slave. Someone as close to my position as possible, I think. I suppose that means I should stop pushing people away and actually talk to those who reach out. Stop expecting the worst of people and actually give someone a chance. As badly as that’s gone in the past, it scares me. And losing friends is emotionally and spiritually exhausting.

Anyway, Saturday, Master and I climbed a mountain. I’m going to tell you the good if it kills me. Before we climbed the mountain, we walked around Lake George. We got pizza for lunch, did a little shopping and then headed toward Pilot’s Knob Preserve. When we got to Pilot’s Knob, I got nervous. Eight tenths of a mile up a very narrow (at times only big enough to walk with one foot directly in front of the other), very rocky, very steep trail that probably – okay not probably, definitely – could have been marked better. With two bottles of water and cranberries. We seriously need some of those backpacks that you can fill with water.

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So Hot (Kid Rock)

September 24th, 2007 No comments

 

Did I say substance? Kid Rock counts as substance, right??

 

You got a body like the devil and you smell like sex
I can tell you’re trouble but I’m still obsessed

Because you know you’re
SO HOT I wanna get you alone
SO HOT I wanna get you stoned
SO HOT I don’t wanna be your friend
I wanna fuck you like I’m never gonna see you again

Yea
Come on
Yea

You’re like the kiss of death, like the hand of faith
I can tell you’re trouble but I still wanna taste

Because you know you’re
SO HOT I wanna get you alone
SO HOT I wanna get you stoned
SO HOT I don’t wanna be your friend
I wanna fuck you like I’m never gonna see you again

Because you know you’re
SO HOT I wanna get you alone
SO HOT I wanna get you stoned
SO HOT I don’t wanna be your friend
I wanna fuck you like I’m never gonna see you again

You’re So Hot, I wanna get you alone
I wanna get you stoned
I don’t wanna be your friend
I wanna fuck you like I’m never gonna see you again
See you again
See you again

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Yesterday…

September 23rd, 2007 No comments

Master and I got going pretty early. I didn’t have a chance to do much of anything. So… no blog :/ I hope to get one of substance up tonight when I get home from work. We’ll see, I guess. *waves*
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Out of Line?

September 21st, 2007 No comments

When people talk to Him, I get jealous. Not because I think they’re trying to – or will – take Him away from me. But because no one’s that interested in talking to me. Sometimes I wish I knew how to stop being such a bitch.

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