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Self-esteem

August 9th, 2007

Iâ??m not sure how I feel about slaves and self-esteem. I have
a hard time, sometimes, separating self-esteem and self-worth. Arenâ??t they the
same thing? And in so saying, shouldnâ??t a slave be finding her worth in her
Masterâ??s opinion and not her own? And if her Masterâ??s opinion of herself is
good, shouldnâ??t her own opinion of herself be good? And is a slave having a
good opinion of herself the same thing as an egotistical slave?


Most of yesterdayâ?¦ sucked. It started out as innocent
conversation. I made one wrong comment and that was all she wrote. I couldnâ??t
recover. No matter how hard I tried, the situation just spiraled more and more
out of control.


In most cases, I would consider this a bad thing. A terrible thing. I would be
devastated for days, crying often, hurting much and wishing I could take it all
back. Except some good did come of it. I learned from it and I was able to tell
Master about my most recent depression issues. Depression related to
self-esteem.

Iâ??m not sure how I feel about slaves and self-esteem. I have
a hard time, sometimes, separating self-esteem and self-worth. Arenâ??t they the
same thing? And in so saying, shouldnâ??t a slave be finding her worth in her
Masterâ??s opinion and not her own? And if her Masterâ??s opinion of herself is
good, shouldnâ??t her own opinion of herself be good? And is a slave having a
good opinion of herself the same thing as an egotistical slave?

The definitions I was able to find of self-esteem and
self-worth sort of annoy me. I guess because growing up people put so much
emphasis on â??good self-esteemâ? and â??bad self-esteemâ? and the definitions speak of
self-esteem only being good.

In any case, I have no self-esteem. I play it off, pretend I
love myself, make myself out to be the happy little camper, but in reality
every day from the first moment I peek into the mirror to brush my teeth or
step on the scale I begin to pick myself apart. If you asked, I could tell you
exactly whatâ??s wrong with every single part of my body starting with my hair
and working down to the bottoms of my feet. By the end, Iâ??d either be in tears
or vomiting in disgust. And when it was over, Iâ??d begin the process again.

Some people donâ??t see this as a problem. And maybe, in the
case of a slave, it isnâ??t. But itâ??s incredibly painful, slave or not, to hate
yourself that much. Itâ??s even more painful to hate yourself that much and know
thereâ??s absolutely nothing you can do about it. Unless youâ??re able to convince
your owner to help you â??fixâ? it.

Thankfully, Master agreed to help me fix some of the things
that are easily fixable. The other stuff requires me to
use a good deal of will power and probably wonâ??t be enjoyable at first. But Iâ??ll
get it. I hope. Iâ??m just glad I was able to vocalize how I was feeling. Itâ??s
like the world has been lifted off my shoulders.

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