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Breathe Again – 10

August 3rd, 2007

FictionIconShe crushed the heels of her hands to the backs of her eyelids. A single tear ran down each wrist, one dripping off to land on a bare breast and the other tickling the crook of her elbow. An attempt to sniffle quietly went unnoticed as she tried to put her thoughts in the filing cabinet that was her mind.

It was locked, this file of negative emotions. She never allowed it to open longer than the time it took to add the newest thought and shove everything back inside. She was too afraid. Afraid the tiny trickle that came with opening the drawer would lead to the downpour that took her places she hadn’t been in years. And she couldn’t explain it. The reason behind keeping her mouth shut and her emotions hidden. She just knew it was better this way.

She’d progressed in her ability to hide. Once upon a time, she had to leave the room. Before that, she had to lock herself in the bathroom. Now she just remained silent and fought the tears she’d been trained to show. And when her silence was misunderstood, she allowed it to remain that way. Better to keep the real reason locked away in the file of negative emotion.

She knew the vicious cycle that was her life had come full circle. The names and faces had changed. So had the situation. But the reality was everything else was the same. And as she sat in the seat she had chosen quietly fighting the urge to run, she knew that everyone around her was oblivious to the war trying to force a scream from her throat.

A loose thread in the upholstery of the chair caught her attention and she began to fiddle with it. A nervous habit that had cost her more than one expensive piece of clothing. Back and forth, back and forth, and then she pinched it between long red nails hoping to sever it where thread met cloth. When that didn’t work, she began to saw at it.

“Stop that.”

Her head flew up to the one who spoke and her hands fluttered to her lap. Her mouth remained closed as she turned her eyes to the open window. The voice came again but she had long since lost interest. The words rolled over her like a soothing wave and she rose from her seat. Blue eyes, only a moment before so sad and almost empty, suddenly flashed to life and blue-black hair flicked over milky shoulders before a girl’s voice, cracked and tortured, slipped between full ruby lips.

“You’re killing my self-esteem. Good-bye.”

As she gathered her clothes and headed for the door, they all sat down as one. A few mouths hung open in shock. Others watched in disbelief as she strode outside completely naked with her clothing dangling from perfectly manicured fingertips. On the porch, she took a deep, cleansing breath and disappeared into the sun, a smile fighting to the surface of her face. The cycle begins again.

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