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Concentration

August 1st, 2007

I know, naturally, that this is part of my disorder. I
understand that this is something Iâ??ve dealt with my whole life and it will
pass just as it always has. And then Iâ??ll spend days studying one subject
entirely unable to get enough. But when I canâ??t concentrateâ?¦ when I canâ??t put
my mind to anything that Iâ??d like to be doing? Man does it disorient me.


There are some days that I just canâ??t get interested in
anything. My mind goes five million different directions and the more I think
the more I have no idea what I want to think about. The more I try to look at
things, the more I canâ??t figure out what I want to be looking at. And I quite
often end up in a panic attack because I canâ??t calm my restless mind.

These days are usually preceded by days where I just canâ??t
concentrate on anything. Where I zone off into Neverland and the thoughts in my
head flit just out of reach the second someone tries to get my attention.
Master gets frustrated with me on these days because my default response when
He asks what Iâ??m thinking about is â??Nothing.â? Itâ??s not an intentional refusal
to answer. I just quite honestly canâ??t remember.

Today is a â??Nothing interests me.â? day. Thereâ??s a blog I wanted to read, a
news story Iâ??m really interested in outside of the ones Iâ??ve already read for
my daily tasks, a bunch of submissions by people I watch on deviantART Iâ??d like
to look at and comment onâ?¦ and here I sit. Rambling about nothing because none
of it interests me enough to hold my attention.

I know, naturally, that this is part of my disorder. I
understand that this is something Iâ??ve dealt with my whole life and it will
pass just as it always has. And then Iâ??ll spend days studying one subject
entirely unable to get enough. But when I canâ??t concentrateâ?¦ when I canâ??t put
my mind to anything that Iâ??d like to be doing? Man does it disorient me.

Today, Iâ??m hoping to curb the restlessness by cleaning. The
kitchen needs a good overhaul anyway. Even with my usual pace of attempting to
do at least one load of dishes a day (My dish drain is tiny!) I havenâ??t been
able to catch up. As a matter of fact, it seems Iâ??m falling more behind. And
thereâ??s just two of us here!

Iâ??m not sure why Iâ??m even writing all this except to get it
out of my head. And that Iâ??ve been able to concentrate on it this long is
amazing. I guess itâ??s time to move along and get working on the things Iâ??d like
to be concentrating on.

Have a great day 🙂

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