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Things In the Rear View

July 19th, 2007

People leave major imprints in my memory. I still remember
the names of all the guys I had crushes on in high school. First, middle and
last in some cases. I remember the cheerleaders who suddenly wanted to be my best
friends when I got pregnant and then got angry and lost interest when I didnâ??t
bite. I remember the men I whored myself to in my late teens and early twenties
to buy diapers and food for my children. And the friends that came in and out
of my life over the years.


I have so much to write about today and I have no idea where
to start. None of it has anything to do with each other so Iâ??ll probably write
more than one entry if I can find the time. Iâ??m starting early with the hope
that Iâ??ll get it all done before I have to leave for work. Damn work anyway.

I keep dreaming about Stephanie.
I had no idea she made such an impact on my life. My dreams of her vary from
extremely sexual to completely benign. One moment weâ??re frantically eating each
other out and the next weâ??re having some long forgotten conversation about what
it would be like to be together.

I donâ??t like why I told her no. I gave a million excuses to
anyone who asked. All of them were stupid and superficial. Her feet stink so
bad they smell up the entire house. Sheâ??s bulimic. Sheâ??s an alcoholic. Sheâ??s a
drug addict. Sheâ??s too submissive. Too clingy. Too hard up on pleasing the
people she loves.

Exceptâ?¦ all of these things are either fixable or easily
overlooked. At least for me. So what really stopped me from being with her?

Fear. I was terrified. Sure, I knew I was bisexual. Everyone
knew I was bisexual. But I hadnâ??t really had any opportunity to be with a
woman. Iâ??d dated a couple girls here and there. I had sex with one woman by
then. But to actually have a full-fledged adult relationship with a woman? What
if it didnâ??t work? What if I sucked in bed? What if in the middle of sucking on
her clit I realized I really donâ??t like women at all?

And so instead of giving her a chance, giving us a chance, I
told her no. And I made her watch me flit from one man to the next in an
attempt to fill the place that she could have filled easily. Until I finally
gave her a hard shove away from me. After that there was this buffer between
us. Things were never the same.

People leave major imprints in my memory. I still remember
the names of all the guys I had crushes on in high school. First, middle and
last in some cases. I remember the cheerleaders who suddenly wanted to be my best
friends when I got pregnant and then got angry and lost interest when I didnâ??t
bite. I remember the men I whored myself to in my late teens and early twenties
to buy diapers and food for my children. And the friends that came in and out
of my life over the years.

I spend time thinking about them sometimes. The quirks I
noticed. The virtues I loved. I wonder if they ever think of me. If they even
remember me. I wonder if I have as much of an impact on peopleâ??s lives as they
do mine. And then I wonder if people think about their past as much as I do.

I mull over the mistakes I made and I find myself wishing I
hadnâ??t made them. I believe I still would have found my way to Master if I hadnâ??t.
That some people are destined to be together and He and I are two of those
people. And then I think of Stephanie.
And I think maybe itâ??s good that I told her no. Because what if Iâ??d told her
yes and it worked out?

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