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He knew.

July 12th, 2007

When it was over, He pulled me to Him and I cried into His
chest while He played with my nipple. And what I prayed for all night happened
in that small gesture. That small gesture that was huge to me.


Master punished me. Ten with the cane and I think Iâ??m a
wimp. Cause no one else I know is so completely devastated both physically and
mentally by that particular toy. At least not in so little time.

When it was over, He pulled me to Him and I cried into His
chest while He played with my nipple. And what I prayed for all night happened
in that small gesture. That small gesture that was huge to me.

There is rarely aftercare when we play. Once in a while
thereâ??s cuddling but usually the â??aftercareâ? consists of â??Go get a washcloth
and clean my cock.� There is never anything more than a few words of
instruction or further chastising after punishment, though the punishment is
rarely over until Iâ??ve sucked His cock. No hugs, no smoothing away tears, no
words of encouragement. It seems He wants me away from Him until He cools off
or Iâ??m done crying or both.

Sometimes I think He reads my mind. Heâ??s so in tune with what
I want and need. He knows almost before I do. And when itâ??s an obvious need, something
I have to have to continue down the path Heâ??s leading me on, you can almost see
the wheels turning as He tries to figure out how to incorporate it into what He
needs without undermining His authority.

There are times that I fill to the brim with unacknowledged,
unexpressed anger and hatred. Itâ??s not directed at any one person, except
usually myself, and I wallow in it. I run my fingers through it enjoying the
oily feel as it slowly clogs my pores, then my veins, and my heart begins to
bash the inner walls of my rib cage in its frenzied attempt to escape. I canâ??t
always pull myself out of it. I have no idea where it stems from. And before I
met Master, it would just build and build until I lashed out in a panic attack
or a fit of rage.

After the storm, Iâ??m left to float listlessly on the tide of
calm and attempt to sort things out. Remnants of the torrent of emotion clings
to my ribs like so much greasy junk food as I try to find peace again. I donâ??t
know where all these insane quirks come from.

Master has somehow managed to slow the coming and going of
these fits. In the five years weâ??ve been together theyâ??ve come less and less
each year. He used to try to talk me through them, attempting to get to the
root of the problem, but sometimes thatâ??s more trouble than its worth. When Iâ??m
upset, when Iâ??m raging, when Iâ??m panicking, I flit from one subject to the next
grasping at wisps of air to tear down and hurt someone with so that I wonâ??t be
the only one to feel this intense pain. I donâ??t know how to deal with intense
emotion. I donâ??t know how to express it. Iâ??m learning, slowly. Or trying
anyway. But the fact remains that Iâ??m sure Iâ??ve broken His heart a time or two
with the nasty things that spew from the gaping maw that is my mouth in these
times. And in turn, Iâ??ve broken my own heart.

When He held me, as I sobbed, I also breathed intense
relief. I felt my heart contract as it reached for Him and I clung to the tiny
piece of Him I managed to grasp. Iâ??m still dangling, holding on for dear life
while swinging the lower half of my body to find purchase on a smooth rock
wall. It wonâ??t be long now before I manage to pull myself back up over the
edge. Iâ??ve already realized that Heâ??s done His part. Itâ??s time for me to do
mine. This is when we find out how strong my arms are.

I donâ??t need to be coddled very often. More times than not,
coddling me after punishment will annoy me or piss me off. I need time to
reflect on what I did and how to avoid it in the future. But today? Today I
needed a leg up. Today I needed Him to take my hand and show me which way to
go. Today I needed to be led back to Him. And He knew. He knew.

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