Home > Rayne > Journal to Discussion

Journal to Discussion

June 14th, 2007


He validated my feelings. It never fails to amaze me that
when I go about things the right way, talking to Him with deference while
remaining in my place as opposed to screaming or throwing a tantrum, He
listens. And He talks back. And usually, unless Iâ??m completely out of line in
my thinking, He says â??I understand.â? and if itâ??s something Heâ??s willing to
compromise on, He does.



As most of you know, Iâ??m required to keep a journal in
addition to this blog. Itâ??s open to Masterâ??s viewing (though once upon a time I
was allowed to keep a private journal as well â?? I never did) and Iâ??m required
to enter it into a database (that is currently closed to the public) every
Friday. Itâ??s a place for me to hash out personal details of our life together
that I otherwise canâ??t discuss here for whatever reason (most of all in the
interest of keeping our true identity private).


He used to read it every night. I was to physically hand it
to Him before I begged permission to get on the bed. Heâ??d read it and if He
felt whatever I wrote needed discussing, weâ??d usually discuss it before we went
to sleep. It was a long time before He stopped that. Probably two years.


Recently, I forgot to write in it for about a week. Just
before Master went into the hospital, actually. I canâ??t begin to tell you why
except that often by the time He sends me off to get ready for bed, Iâ??m already
so exhausted, mentally and physically, that I honestly canâ??t think of a word to
write. Thatâ??s no excuse and since weâ??ve been back from His trip to the hospital
(I was unable to write in it while He was in the hospital because it was here
and I was there) Iâ??ve not missed a day.


I assume thatâ??s why He looked into the paper copy this week.
The why is unimportant, however. The reason could have been as simple as He
wanted to see, before Friday, what I wrote. I have been writing short novels
lately.


He read it while I was at work and called me.


â??What is it you want to talk to me about but donâ??t want to
stress me out?�


â??Huh? Ohâ?¦ you read my journal.â?


â??I told you I do sometimes.â?


â??I know.â?


â??So what is it?â?


â??I canâ??t talk about it now.â?


â??So donâ??t go into detail. Be cryptic.â?


â??Wellâ?¦ I just get frustrated sometimes when you say youâ??re going
to do things and you donâ??t.â?


This sparked a conversation, sort of, about His current
condition and how His back is doing and I explained that I donâ??t mean
specifically now. That I understand that Heâ??s in pain and not feeling well. I
meant in general. And I really donâ??t remember what sparked the thought.


He validated my feelings. It never fails to amaze me that
when I go about things the right way, talking to Him with deference while
remaining in my place as opposed to screaming or throwing a tantrum, He
listens. And He talks back. And usually, unless Iâ??m completely out of line in
my thinking, He says â??I understand.â? and if itâ??s something Heâ??s willing to
compromise on, He does.


What it comes down to is thereâ??s a lot He says Heâ??s going to
do and we talk about it and hash it out and go over and over it and thenâ?¦ it doesnâ??t
happen. And even if it was something I was dreading, I end up disappointed and
sometimes depressed wondering what I did wrong to cause Him to change His mind.
Or I just end up frustrated. Iâ??ve been using â??frustrationâ? to describe my feelings
a lot because so far Iâ??m allowed to be frustrated. Frustration, as long as Iâ??m
not disrespectful, is an okay emotion. Iâ??m still having trouble learning which
emotions are okay to have and which ones are not. And not because Heâ??s ever
said that any of my emotions are not okay to have or are invalid. Because I was
raised with the notion that some emotions are okay and some you should never
have.


There was more in my journal (obviously) and I didnâ??t
realize, just from that question alone, that Heâ??d read more. I didnâ??t realize
until He sent me to the bedroom to lick and kiss His back and legs (after
spending a good deal of time sitting on the floor licking and kissing His legs
and feet) how much more Heâ??d read.


Iâ??d asked Him for a night and time to set aside each week
to review my behavior. Just a moment to let me know where I stand. What needs
improving, what Iâ??m doing well with, etc. And there was more Iâ??d wanted to ask
for. More that I didnâ??t mention out of embarrassment but had every intention of
bringing up.


I wanted a night, or however long it required, of review and
refreshers. I thought maybe a discussion of the rules and whatâ??s expected of me
so I could be completely clear. Master had other plans.


Usually when my mouth is working on His cock or balls, I wonâ??t
speak. I donâ??t want to give up the privilege of pleasing Him. I absolutely love
sucking and worshipping His cock. If He asks me questions, I pray Heâ??ll reword
them into yes or no questions so I can nod or shake my head. He knows this and
usually works around it. Last night, He was set on verbal answers.


Instead of allowing me to suck His cock, He made me stroke
it while licking other parts of His body. He went over His expectations and
required responses to almost every statement He made. And He punctuated the
points I obviously havenâ??t grasped with some form of pain. Usually His fist. I
have a love/hate relationship with His fist.


Something that really struck me, that hasnâ??t before, is that
I am to share every minute detail of what Iâ??m thinking immediately upon request
regardless of what I think the consequences will be. Itâ??s not that I didnâ??t
know He wanted this. Itâ??s that I always found some way around it. Half truths (i.e.
Heâ??d ask what was wrong and instead of saying â??Iâ??m irritated with
and Iâ??m tired.â? Iâ??d just say â??Iâ??m tired.â?) is usually how I avoid answering if
I donâ??t think the outcome will be good for me. This will no longer be
tolerated.


I spent much of today thinking about last night. Thinking
about the journal entries I know He read and thinking about His response to
them. And Iâ??m glad He didnâ??t coddle me in His expression of where I stand. Iâ??m
glad He chose to put us in a position in which my place was undeniable. I donâ??t
think it would have had quite the impact it did had He not made it clear before
beginning that we would not be standing on equal ground for this â??conversationâ?.


There was no discussion to be had. I am His slave. His
property. And while there are a great many equally delightful aspects to our
relationship, the most important fact remains that He owns me and that
ownership comes before all else.


Iâ??m going to enjoy this new approach Iâ??m slowly adopting. This
opening up and expressing my thoughts regardless of the expected reaction. Especially
while watching the look on His face as I explain that I noticed a tribal tattoo
on the arm of a man we drove passed which lead me to think about wanting my
tattoo and the tribal around the rose which then lead me to think about the
movie Bring It On. I didnâ??t mention that I was reciting a couple of the
cheers in my head at the exact moment that Heâ??d asked what I was thinking about.
I was too busy laughing at His slightly amused expression by then.

Categories: Rayne Tags:
Comments are closed.
%d bloggers like this: