Archive for May, 2007

Rate us!

May 11th, 2007 No comments

You know you want to!

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Reading and Writing

May 10th, 2007 No comments

I enjoy this freedom to read whatever I wish. It allows me to poke my
head into books I shied away from out of protest in high school, sci-fi
and fantasy, genres He has absolutely no interest in whatsoever. He'll
give me weird looks and the occasional "Why would you ever want to read
that?" But never a "No. You cannot read that." Yet, anyway.

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Thought Process

May 8th, 2007 No comments

He did something weird today. He prefaced His ultimatum
(behave or be sorry) with â??I love you.â? And instantly I was teleported to being
four years old pinned over the arm of the couch with my shorts around my ankles
and my fatherâ??s growling voice in my ear. â??I do this because I love you.â? And
now I wonder just how bad it will be when I get home tonight. How angry have I
made Him? How much have I hurt Him?

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May 4th, 2007 Comments off

Like an animal, He changes. All smiles and sunshine one moment and dark and calculating the next. And I’m drawn to Him like a moth to a flame. To both sides of Him. Sometimes I wonder if He intentionally cultivated my obsession. Read in my very soul how to lock me to Him without a single chain. And the thought pulls me closer to Him.

Caught and called out. Ripped from peaceful sleep by the blankest being ripped from my naked form and a barked “Get up. Make coffee.” And in my frustrated confusion, I complied. More and more His orders are met with frustration, my feet slipping and tripping unable to find purchase on the solidity of His training. A product of having so little time with Him? Probably. Yet, I comply.

Ordered to wait on my knees. And I shifted around knowing I was in for a few painful moments on my knees. I hate kneeling. It proves to me how little self-control I have. Every part of me aches and I succumb finding a more comfortable position until I’m told to resume the position I’m supposed to be in. I hope this is a product of my weight and not something I will always have to endure.

Starting from scratch. Mercy granted without the smallest request. Except my wavering, whispering voice. The tears already burning the backs of my eyes. The tremble in my hands and my shoulders. And while reprieve is merciful, it still tears my heart out. Knowing I have been placed back at the beginning yet again, my feet roughly pointed in the direction He wants me to go. That I’ll be chased down the path by a sadist with a whip, cane or paddle in hand. That I have to be guarded so closely to be sure I don’t scurry in the wrong direction.

How long will this go on, this battle of wits? How long before I stay down when my face is to the mat? How long before I stop fighting what I was meant to be?

Tonight, I hope. Here’s my leaf.

I love You more

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May 1st, 2007 No comments

I donâ??t really have anything interesting to write about
today. I have a couple ideas but I canâ??t seem to get them out on paper (or on cyberspace?).
Maybe itâ??s cold feet? Seriouslyâ?¦ my feet are freezing. Maybe I'll give it another go when I get home from work depending on what's going on here.

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