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Permission to Cum?

May 17th, 2007

We fucked on my birthday before the drinking ensued. It’s not unusual for us to fuck. It happens quite often. But that day, I was expecting it. A bad thing for a slave, I know, but how can you not on your birthday?

I asked all sorts of questions that day. Stupid questions I shouldn’t have asked. How He would top Valentine’s Day (the bird) and how He would top my birthday again. His calm, quiet response was “Maybe I won’t. Maybe you won’t have another birthday. Spoiled slaves don’t deserve birthdays.”

I was teasing. I wasn’t seriously looking ahead with the expectation of the next year being better (though doesn’t everyone strive to make each day in his or her life better than the last?). But His remark set my feet back on solid ground.

So, when we fucked, I begged to be allowed to touch my clit. Just the begging, in and of itself, was enough to mortify me. I buried my face in the pillow as I begged and had to repeat myself because He couldn’t hear me. But then He asked me why. And if the telling didn’t make me want to crawl under the mattress, His response surely did.

When He asked why, I debated which part of the truth to tell Him. Whether I should babble on with all the reasons or just give Him one. In the end, I chose to just give Him one, and I immediately regretted it even as it was spouting from my trembling lips.

“Why?”

Long pause.

“I asked you a question. Why?”

“Because I want to cum.”

Long pause. Long pause that I assumed was an irritated pause. I could almost see the thin line His lips drew as He contemplated my request.

“So you’re a spoiled bitch now? You think you deserve to cum on my cock?”

The response that wanted to bubble up from my throat as I tried to burrow my burning face into the mattress between the pillows was, “I didn’t realize I had to earn the right to cum on your cock.” But what I said was, “No, I don’t.”

Things started to click together in my mind. Why He never allows me to cum when I’m riding Him anymore. Why He rarely tells me to play with myself when He’s fucking me anymore. Why He never attempts to make me cum Himself anymore. I quite honestly do not deserve to be pleasured by Him (I’m embarrassed to say I’ve done nothing since my birthday, really, to attempt to change this. I plan to start.).

“Just this once. But never ask again. If I want you to cum I’ll tell you to cum. And you better keep my cock hard and in you. Pleasuring yourself better not come before my pleasure.”

I was so incredibly embarrassed and devastated by His response that I almost lost the will to cum. Almost.

I never thought to ask if that means that I can never ask to cum anymore, even when I’m not on His cock…if I have to wait for Him to give me permission. Maybe I should ask that, huh?

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