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Thought Process

May 8th, 2007


He did something weird today. He prefaced His ultimatum
(behave or be sorry) with â??I love you.â? And instantly I was teleported to being
four years old pinned over the arm of the couch with my shorts around my ankles
and my fatherâ??s growling voice in my ear. â??I do this because I love you.â? And
now I wonder just how bad it will be when I get home tonight. How angry have I
made Him? How much have I hurt Him?


I spend a lot of time thinking these days. About nothing and
everything. What life will be like in twenty years when Iâ??m too old to be
crawling around on the floor and too owned not to attempt to do it anyway. What
made me change my dream of being a lawyer. What keeps me from following my
dream of being a writer. What to write about.


I have a ton of stories floating around in my head and I canâ??t
make sense of any of them. I have a ton that are started and I canâ??t go
anywhere else with them. And then I stand in the shower and I daydream about
what life will be like when Iâ??m rich. And I think of Masterâ??s dream and I
wonder if it makes sense, anymore, to even try.


Itâ??s my dream too. Has been since He mentioned it. It was
just His idea. Thatâ??s why I call it â??Masterâ??s dreamâ?.


Itâ??s difficult for me, sometimes, being in the public eye so
often. Especially when Iâ??m screwing up. I want to retreat into my shell of
imperfection and pretend the rest of the world doesnâ??t exist. Pretend Iâ??m not
constantly being called on my steadily running mouth. Pretend I donâ??t have to
start over completely every six months or so. Pretend Iâ??m not the worst slave
ever.


He did something weird today. He prefaced His ultimatum
(behave or be sorry) with â??I love you.â? And instantly I was teleported to being
four years old pinned over the arm of the couch with my shorts around my ankles
and my fatherâ??s growling voice in my ear. â??I do this because I love you.â? And
now I wonder just how bad it will be when I get home tonight. How angry have I
made Him? How much have I hurt Him?


Weâ??ve both grown a great deal. He doesnâ??t let my tantrums
escalate His anger so much anymore. If I want a screaming match, Iâ??ll have to
look for it elsewhere because He just doesnâ??t scream back anymore. And as a
result, I rarely try to draw Him into one anymore. I let less and less bother
me. And I try to watch my mouthâ?¦ I really do!


Anywayâ?¦ I guess I just wanted to babble today. Iâ??m a little
depressed because Iâ??m in trouble. But my schedule is changing so Monday and
Wednesday Iâ??ll be getting home before Master from now on and Iâ??m a little
excited about that. Okay Iâ??m a lot excited about that. And Iâ??m more than likely
going to have four days off on Memorial Day weekend. Iâ??m a lot excited about
that too. Maybe I can convince Master to lock us away and beat me for four
days? Worth a try, right??

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