Like an animal, He changes. All smiles and sunshine one moment and dark and calculating the next. And I’m drawn to Him like a moth to a flame. To both sides of Him. Sometimes I wonder if He intentionally cultivated my obsession. Read in my very soul how to lock me to Him without a single chain. And the thought pulls me closer to Him.

Caught and called out. Ripped from peaceful sleep by the blankest being ripped from my naked form and a barked “Get up. Make coffee.” And in my frustrated confusion, I complied. More and more His orders are met with frustration, my feet slipping and tripping unable to find purchase on the solidity of His training. A product of having so little time with Him? Probably. Yet, I comply.

Ordered to wait on my knees. And I shifted around knowing I was in for a few painful moments on my knees. I hate kneeling. It proves to me how little self-control I have. Every part of me aches and I succumb finding a more comfortable position until I’m told to resume the position I’m supposed to be in. I hope this is a product of my weight and not something I will always have to endure.

Starting from scratch. Mercy granted without the smallest request. Except my wavering, whispering voice. The tears already burning the backs of my eyes. The tremble in my hands and my shoulders. And while reprieve is merciful, it still tears my heart out. Knowing I have been placed back at the beginning yet again, my feet roughly pointed in the direction He wants me to go. That I’ll be chased down the path by a sadist with a whip, cane or paddle in hand. That I have to be guarded so closely to be sure I don’t scurry in the wrong direction.

How long will this go on, this battle of wits? How long before I stay down when my face is to the mat? How long before I stop fighting what I was meant to be?

Tonight, I hope. Here’s my leaf.

I love You more