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For Granted

April 14th, 2007


I want to be debased and deprived. Denied and dehumanized. I
want to be pushed through all the stages of hell. The ones Master and I know so
well. The whining and begging. The spoiled tantrums. The playacting. The
defiance. I want to be forced through all of it until I break through on the
other side. The side that I know is there but I havenâ??t reached yet. The shiny
new penny that everyone loves so much. The sparkling slave that Master
deserves.



Sometimes I find myself reading blogs and having
conversations with other slaves and thinking â??I want that. Why donâ??t we do
that?â? Sometimes, I ask Master for those things I want. I donâ??t think before I
do it. I just ask. â??Master, soandsoâ??s owner does this and I think that sounds
really excellent. Can we do this too?�


Once upon a time, if He said no, I would get really
depressed. Iâ??m not a good slave and weâ??re not really in a Master/slave
relationship and blahblahfuckingblah. It never once occurred to me to think, â??This
isnâ??t the sort of training He wants to use for me. Maybe thatâ??s because He
doesnâ??t think itâ??ll work for me. Maybe it wonâ??t extract the results He wants.â?
Thatâ??s changed, though. I still get depressed sometimes, but usually itâ??s
because I thought it was a really hot idea. ::laughs::


Iâ??ve mostly stopped asking for Him to add things other
owners do to the way Heâ??s chosen to train me. This is because I find that if it
was my idea, if Iâ??m topping from the bottom in this way, it has less of an
effect. So I wait for Him to discover it and feel less like I topped from the
bottom. And walk away from that specific piece of training with a better
understanding than I would have had I suggested it.


kayaâ??s blog triggered a â??How come Master wonâ??t do that?â? Iâ??m
fully required to beg permission to eat. And He fully retains the right to say
no. He never does. When I say Iâ??m hungry He responds with â??Go eat.â? The only
time Heâ??s ever responded with â??No.â? to my request was once when I was in
serious trouble. I knew asking wouldnâ??t get me anywhere. I knew I was going to
sit my ass right there and wait until He was finished His piece. But I asked
anyway. And I pretended to be surprised when He answered with â??No.â? But I wasnâ??t
bothered by it because I knew that when He was finished with me, Heâ??d let me go
get something to eat. Even as He ate in front of me, I scoffed, because I knew
that when all was said and done Iâ??d get my lunch before I was sent off to work.


I feel tooâ?¦ human. Is that odd? I guess it doesnâ??t matter if
itâ??s odd or not. Itâ??s how I feel. I feel like I have a lot more rights than I
should have even though most of them arenâ??t rights at all. I know Iâ??m taking
the things He gives me for granted. As if theyâ??re mine to have and He canâ??t
take them away, ever.


I take His enjoyment in spending time with me for granted,
too. I bank on it. Iâ??ve convinced myself that He enjoys my company too much to
ever go anywhere or do anything fun without me. Iâ??m not grateful for the things
I have or am given because I look at them as rightfully mine to have.


This is bad. Very, very bad. And itâ??s odd for me to be so up
front and open about it. Usually I cower behind the fear of Master deciding to
rectify that. I see things that are wrong with me and I remain tightlipped
about it because I donâ??t want Him to fix it. Or I do want Him to fix it but Iâ??m
afraid of what Him fixing it will mean for me and these assumed rights. Iâ??m
battling with the urge to backspace and write an entirely different blog entry
as I type this.


There are things that canâ??t change. Or they can but the
outcome wouldnâ??t necessarily be good. I have to have a job. I have to be able
to function in the â??real worldâ?. I have to eat and drink at least once in a
while to remain living but it doesnâ??t have to be anything more than a glass of
water and a crust of bread. I have to be able to go to the bathroom but I donâ??t
have to be allowed to use the toilet. I have to exercise but it can be inside
in the dark if He so chooses. And once in a while I need sleep but thereâ??s nothing
saying it has to be on a bed free of bondage.


I think itâ??s that things have been so incredibly wonderful
lately and Iâ??ve been an unrelenting bitch thatâ??s made me think of this. Iâ??m
aloof. Iâ??m distant. Iâ??m sarcastic and stubborn.


I want to be debased and deprived. Denied and dehumanized. I
want to be pushed through all the stages of hell. The ones Master and I know so
well. The whining and begging. The spoiled tantrums. The playacting. The
defiance. I want to be forced through all of it until I break through on the
other side. The side that I know is there but I havenâ??t reached yet. The shiny
new penny that everyone loves so much. The sparkling slave that Master
deserves.


I want to see the â??rightsâ? for what they are. Privileges He
affords me at His whim. I want to be grateful for these things that I should
only have when He feels like giving them to me. And I want to have the courage
to say â??Yes, Master. I am acting.â? when He asks point blank, â??Do you really
understand, or are you telling me you do because you want this to be over?�


Maybe itâ??s just reversion. Maybe at one point I did
understand that these things werenâ??t rights. That these privileges were only
there so long as He wanted me to have them. Maybe itâ??s just reminders I need. I
suppose in showing that I know that Iâ??m supposed to feel grateful and
understand that theyâ??re privileges Iâ??m proving that itâ??s just reminders I need.
But itâ??s gone so far that I feel like I never learned this. Like I just told
Him I had so He would stop taking things away.


And as the honest slave girl side of me types this out, the
stubborn, spoiled bitch in me is screaming, â??What the hell is wrong with you? Do
you know what this will mean? What weâ??ll lose?â? But I am a slave. And I donâ??t
care what Iâ??ll lose. I canâ??t help but know I donâ??t really have what I fear Iâ??ll
lose in the first place. I just feel the need to be shown. To be forced through
the paces that I havenâ??t been put through in so long. To fully understand what
it means to have no rights.


When He mentions it, I pretend I donâ??t know I need this. When
He speaks of taking things away from me to remind me who and what I am I insist
that I already know. And He always affords me my delusions. I donâ??t want them
anymore.

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