Home > rayne > On Being a Friend

On Being a Friend

April 12th, 2007


Iâ??m not sure what stops me from telling these people that I
canâ??t make them any promises. That I canâ??t really be their friend. That when
all is said and done, if He says itâ??s over, itâ??s over. That no friendship could
ever come close to being important enough to make me jeopardize my
relationship. Or leave it.


Occasionally I worry about all the friends and/or
acquaintances I make online. Especially the ones who donâ??t really know about or
understand the lifestyle in which I chose to live. I know itâ??s probably silly
to worry about the ones I make online and not the ones I make in real life, but
a sad rayne fact is that I donâ??t really make friends in real life.


Thatâ??s not to say I donâ??t know people. I do. Iâ??m just so
damn overly picky about who I choose to spend time with. They have to make it
passed my screening process before I consider taking them to Master to make it
passed His. And sadly, no one has as yet. Thereâ??s lots weâ??d both love to fuck. Thereâ??s
a few I can tolerate being around if I have to be (A good thing too because I
work with some of them!). But when it comes right down to it, none of them are
worth begging to be allowed to keep as a friend.


Maybe Iâ??m overly judgmental. I think itâ??s more that Iâ??ve
been spurned one too many times.


But online itâ??s easy. I donâ??t have to worry about being
asked out to coffee before work and turning people down. No one ever asks me to
meet them at the town bar for â??girl timeâ?. People donâ??t ask to borrow my washer
and dryer so they donâ??t have to go to the laundry mat. And if we drift apart
before we really get to know each other, I donâ??t have to worry about them
calling nonstop or knocking down my door to ask whatâ??s wrong.


However, when I do really like someone online and really
want to remain their friend I start to back off a little. Once upon a time I
reacted that way to avoid being hurt. I still do it to avoid being hurt but now
itâ??s a different kind of hurt Iâ??m avoiding. Itâ??s the kind I know will ensue if/when
Master decides to rip me from society altogether and I have to cut off these
people Iâ??ve met. Or if/when He decides that friendship isnâ??t good for our
relationship and tells me I canâ??t talk to them anymore.


Iâ??m not sure what stops me from telling these people that I
canâ??t make them any promises. That I canâ??t really be their friend. That when
all is said and done, if He says itâ??s over, itâ??s over. That no friendship could
ever come close to being important enough to make me jeopardize my
relationship. Or leave it.


I used to think being a friend was about living and dying
for each other. For backing each other up every step of the way. For standing
up for each other to each otherâ??s own detriment. And I suppose in some cases it
is. But for me, being a friend has to be about understanding that I donâ??t
control it. That His word is law. And that I will never choose a friendship
over the one who owns me. It could never even be a consideration.


He leads and I follow. And if that means I canâ??t have
friends so be it.


Master says I'm not a friend, I'm a slave. That when I have a large number of acquaintences I waste too many brain cycles on them and not enough on Him. It should make me feel better about not having many friends because He says that's the way it should be. And it does. I guess I just needed to say I really have nothing to offer in the way of friendship unless He allows it. I can only be around when He allows it.


I guess that's all.

Categories: rayne Tags:
Comments are closed.
%d bloggers like this: