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Just IRC? Maybe not.

January 30th, 2007

I donâ??t have much to say today and thought of just leaving
you a link. I found a really cute clip on youtube.com and wanted to put it up
here. But Iâ??m not sure Master would appreciate me making that my blog entry for
the day.

Thereâ??s a lot I donâ??t say. A lot I just keep quiet about. And
I think thatâ??s how I manage to get pushed so far down the totem pole in this
self-imposed slave chain of command every where we go. I know this is out of nowhere,
but Iâ??ve been thinking about it a lot. And I sort of mentioned it to Mistress
Shivah yesterday but didnâ??t go into detail.

I get frustrated and want to throw an all out tantrum
sometimes because here I am, a real life slave just trying to get by the best
way I know how, and all these people canâ??t stand me. Or maybe Iâ??m just
paranoid. But itâ??s how I feel. And the thing that bugs me more than anything is
that most of it is from the other slaves.

I donâ??t know any of them, really. Iâ??ve never made an effort
to get to know them. Thatâ??s not why Iâ??m there. Iâ??m there to serve, to be
pleasing, and to obey the free. And I wouldnâ??t know how to start a friendship
with any of them at this point anyway. Not when Iâ??m so dead set on not knowing
them because of how I feel they treat me.

And I used to think it was imagined. That somehow I was
seeing animosity that just isnâ??t there. Then it was pointed out to me by
someone else.

And I started to second guess myself. Maybe Iâ??m not
treating everyone the same. Maybe I am singling people out, being rude
to just some girls and not others. Maybe Iâ??m acting arrogant or full of myself.
Maybe I treat people with disdain. Maybe everything Iâ??m getting, Iâ??m getting as
a direct result of something I did.

First I went on an apology spree. Those I thought Iâ??d
wronged, I apologized to. And some of them told me they didnâ??t see the things Iâ??d
said or done as wronging them. But the animosity didnâ??t stop. So I stopped
talking. I started serving only when I had to. I began to withdraw. And Iâ??m
sure it seemed I was even more aloof than I might have been before this process
began.

But Iâ??m not arrogant. I donâ??t think Iâ??m the be all
end all slave. I donâ??t think I know the answers to everything. And the things I
share I consider just another aspect of my life as a slave. By no means do I
think/feel that everyone else should live like Master and I do. Our lifestyle
isnâ??t suited for everyone. Thatâ??s a given.

Often when Iâ??m asked my opinion, I state just that. My
opinion. Sometimes Iâ??ll site Gorean quotes when I feel I need something backing
me. Or Iâ??ll point out that Iâ??m speaking directly from my own training and that
it doesnâ??t always fit othersâ?? training.

And Iâ??m finding that not everyone wants a vanesa in their
life. But screw everyone else. If they canâ??t take it, they shouldnâ??t talk to
me. Because Iâ??m not going to pussy foot around you and pretend things are all
roses and clover. And because I want a vanesa in my life. And before I
befriended her, all I got was mealy-mouthed, â??Youâ??re such a good slave!â? responses.
I hate that.

Anywayâ?¦ the point is my feelings are hurt. It doesnâ??t really
matter. But there it is.

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