I have to get this down before I start having second thoughts to save my damnable pride. vanesa, I don't even know if you'll read this.

You're right. I'm sorry. I do do all of this to myself. I alienate people and then sit back and say "Poor me. Everyone hates me." pretending that I didn't cause it. And then I bitch and whine to you knowing that you have enough on your plate.

And I tell everyone who asks that what I love most about you is that you tell me to shut up and look at what I've done. But when you do exactly that, I get pissy and defensive and… alienate you too. I'm an idiot. A worthless, spiteful slave. And I'm no friend at all. And I'm so incredibly sorry that I hurt you.

And all I can think is that when you said you lost your sister you meant that you didn't want me anymore. And I don't blame you. I'm not worthy.

I love you. I'm sorry. I'll miss you. Come back to me?