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Punishment and Finishing Sexual Submission

January 9th, 2007

Well Iâ??ve come to the conclusion that the reason I canâ??t
stand that many strokes with the cane is because Master hits me a whole fuck of
a lot harder than you other girls get hit. I guess itâ??s possible that Iâ??m just
a wimp or that my body has a lower tolerance for pain. But in reading a few
other girls and hearing them talk about how many strokes of anything it took
before they were welted (or their skin was firm and lumpy, as kaya put it
::grin:: ), I think Master definitely hits harder.

Iâ??m always welted after the first stroke. Heâ??s made my ass
bleed in five. After ten, I could swear something is broken. I donâ??t know how
many He gave me last night but judging from His â??another twentyâ? comment (which
Iâ??ll repeat here in a bit) Iâ??m guessing twenty? And I have twenty countable
welts on my ass still. The blankets touching them felt like someone slamming a
two by four against my ass. Sitting here hurts like hell.

I managed to piss Him way the fuck off and I was already
promised a caning for my tantrum. I made the mistake of saying I didnâ??t think
something was fair.

He had taken away the privilege of going to my favorite
restaurant with Him because of my tantrum. Heâ??s gone at least twice without me
already. I think itâ??s been over a year since Iâ??ve been. Thatâ??s part of why I
cried when He told me He was going without me again. The rest is because it
meant I could have had the chance to see Him on a Monday when I usually do not.
Unbelievableâ?¦ Iâ??m gonna cry again.

I asked Him when He got back if I was still going to be
caned. He said yes and I started to cry again. And I didnâ??t think it was fair.
How many different times and different ways was He going to punish me for a
tantrum that lasted five seconds? And so I told Him. I have to tell Him how I
feel, right? And I was already blathering on in a blog post (and to Him) about
how I never do!

Wellâ?¦ I wonâ??t do that again. He was so mad. Who am I, a
slave, to say whatâ??s fair and what isnâ??t? Where do I get off making that type
of judgment call? And who said anything about slavery being fair, anyway? What
rule book did I read that said a Master has to treat His slave with fairness?

When He came home, I knew by the way He was slamming things
around it was going to be bad. And if that wasnâ??t indication enough, when He
climbed on the bed behind me, He put His hand on the back of my head and held
it in the pillow. Heâ??s never done that before. I think it caused more panic
than I was already feeling. But if He hadnâ??t done it, I definitely would have
been making way more noise than I should have.

After one of the last strokes, I screamed into the pillow. Iâ??ve
never screamed before. Moaned really loud (not a good moan). Whimpered a lot.
Whined a ton. Never screamed. He didnâ??t stop. He had a number in His head and
He was going to get to it whether I liked it or not.

I was sobbing when He was finished. Trying to keep my face
in the pillow to muffle the sound but having trouble because I kept inhaling
pillowcase. Then He grabbed my hair and led me off the bed and to a corner of
the dining room.

â??Kneel there like a little baby untilâ?¦[drowned out by sobs
and sniffling]â?¦And if I hear you, Iâ??ll take you out again and give you another
twenty and put you back in.�

I donâ??t know how long I was there, but it wasnâ??t long. I had
quieted my sobs to sniffles and silent whimpers and finally to just sniffles
before He said â??Crawl your dumb ass in here.â?

He made me lick His legs and feet and then give Him a hand
job and make Him cum on my face. And I can hear your indignation at â??He made meâ?.
Doing all that is a privilege! Youâ??re right. And Iâ??m always grateful.
But when Iâ??ve just been punished all I want to do is curl up somewhere and hide.
Maybe until I disappear. He knows this.

And Iâ??m sure He has a million reasons for almost always
making me please Him sexually after He punishes me (and usually in a way that
doesnâ??t directly give me pleasure aside from knowing that Iâ??ve pleased Him). Not
the least of which being that caning me and hearing me cry (and Iâ??m sure
hearing me scream last night even though it was muffled) makes Him hella horny.
And another reason is to remind me of my place and that the use of my mouth
could be restricted to something much more pleasing to Him. But I think, or at
least I choose to believe, that part of it is to bring me back to Him. To start
the process of pulling me out of the funk that I would remain in for days if He
allowed it.

He was mean last night. Meaner than I think Heâ??s ever been. And
a little piece of me broke last night. But I think that was the point.

Iâ??ve given myself a lot to think about. Hell, Iâ??ve probably
given you a lot to think about. But I think I can sum up the rest of â??Sexual
Submission� in a couple of paragraphs.

I think part of the reason I donâ??t always go into sexually
stimulating descriptions of sessions or punishments is because I donâ??t want
anyone to have the idea that my submission is purely sexual. I get frustrated
with blogs that only cover the sexual aspects of submission and leave out
everything else. And Iâ??m not, in any way, putting down those of you for whom
domination and submission is purely a sexual experience. Iâ??m simply
saying itâ??s not that way for everyone and those of us who need more than that
need to see weâ??re not alone.

I think I take a textbook look at most of it to avoid this
blog becoming about free porn. That keeps me off the â??hottest blogsâ? lists. And
I suppose Iâ??m okay with that. Itâ??s more important to me to get out there the
thoughts and feelings a slave goes through as she grows. To show you that itâ??s
okay to be respectfully indignant sometimes and that even â??respectedâ? slaves go
through points of defiance. Everyone needs room to grow.

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