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I Can’t

January 4th, 2007

â??I canâ??t.â? has become a sort of mantra for me. I gave up on â??I
forgot.â?, stopped with the â??Because you did this.â?, and skipped completely
around misdirection. Somehow, Iâ??ve always known misdirection would never work
with Him. When He thinks Iâ??m trying to shift His attention to something else,
He gets really friggin pissed off. And He asks the same question over and over
without fail regardless of how far I unintentionally get off topic.

â??I canâ??t.â?, however, only requires a sufficient reason as to
why not and extreme appreciation when the why not has been solved by Him the
All-Knowing. So whenever thereâ??s something I was supposed to do and didnâ??t, for
whatever reason, â??Did you do this?â? is always followed with â??I canâ??t.â? By the
time He asks â??Why not?â? I have a reason the aforementioned task is not complete
that would appease the gods and He has no choice but to help me come up with a
resolution. At least in my mind.

The other day, this didnâ??t work out so well. Well, it did,
but it went in a different direction.

Master and I talk online when Iâ??m home and He isnâ??t. Less
and less lately. That used to send me into a complete tailspin, for if He wasnâ??t
chatting away with me He must have been talking to His latest lust
interest and I was taking a back seat. For now, Iâ??m chalking it up to His boss
being a dick. And on my period besides! I deserve some sort of medal or
something! Anyway, this chatting online makes it difficult to tell if a pregnant
pause is just because Heâ??s busy elsewhere or if Heâ??s really at an utter loss as
to how to respond to what Iâ??ve just said. Or, and letâ??s never forget, that Heâ??s
so pissed off that Heâ??s literally stunned to silence. Iâ??ve been known to accomplish
that a time or two (No, Iâ??m not proud of it.). This leaves me to attempt to
fill pregnant pauses with as much incoherent babble as I possibly can until He
speaks again.

The other day, He asked if Iâ??d done everything Iâ??m supposed
to do before I do anything else. Nothing D/s related (if you exclude the fact
that these are tasks laid down by Him), but websites Iâ??m supposed to read, news
Iâ??m supposed to keep up with, and studying Iâ??m supposed to do, etc. I told Him
Iâ??d done everything but the studying and He asked why I hadnâ??t done the
studying.
â?Well, because I canâ??t write. I canâ??t grip the pencil.â?

[Insert pregnant pause here]

Because I wasnâ??t sure whether He was ramping up to flip on
me or trying to solve my problem, I blurted out, â??But I suppose I could always
just read it. Iâ??ll do that.â? And I hurried off to read my lessons.

Then I sat here for a minute wondering if Iâ??d just given
away my last excuse. If I can solve that problem, does that mean I can solve
every problem? The answer, logically, is no. What if the intraweb breaks down
and I canâ??t access the things He wants me to do? I canâ??t fix that! Unless, of
course, itâ??s another case of the router somehow switching itself off. That was
an interesting day. I always check that first when my connection dies for more
than a couple seconds, now.

But in reality, I shouldnâ??t have excuses. There should be no
excuses. Unless, of course, there is a serious reason that I canâ??t. Like I go
blind and canâ??t see the computer screen and my Microsoft reader is broken. I
donâ??t have a Braille printer and even if I did I canâ??t remember how to read Braille so I wouldnâ??t be able to study.

And Iâ??m gonna stop here because Iâ??m just getting silly. That,
boys and girls, is called avoidance. Okay so I did lie when I said I donâ??t do
that. I do it all the time. But thatâ??s another entry.

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