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Two Thousand Seven

January 1st, 2007

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you all enjoyed your
celebrations. I know I did. I didnâ??t even miss the wild celebrations I used to
take part in before I met Master. Every year Iâ??m afraid Iâ??m going to and every
year our quiet celebration is better than any Iâ??ve ever been part of before.

I spent the evening chatting with a good friend Iâ??ve known
at least a couple years. Around 11pm, Master and His property went into the
front room and watched Pretender, then watched the ball drop, and finally
watched Pirates of the Caribbean 2. I liked
it. I think the critics are morons. They said thereâ??s no plot. There very much
is a plot. Iâ??m not real sure how they missed it.

Anywayâ?¦ now that thatâ??s out of the wayâ?¦

Sometimes the way I think baffles even me. Master has this
habit of leaving whatever music He was listening to playing when He gets in the
shower. I used to think it was so that He could listen to it still, but then
one day while I was in the shower I realized you canâ??t hear the music in there.
And it occurred to me that He leaves it on for me.

Now, Master and I have mostly the same tastes in music so
this courtesy works out well. But this morning, for some crazy reason, I found
myself thinking â??What if I didnâ??t want to listen to this?â? Immediately on the
heels of that thought was Masterâ??s voice (in my mind) saying, â??Tough.â? And
close on the heels of that thought was a conversation we had a while back that
caused a temper tantrum. Iâ??m such a child.

We were in line at the store and they were getting ready for
Christmas. On one of the shelves was the Garth Brooks CD collection and I got
all sorts of excited.

â??Master, You could get me that for Christmas! I love
Garth Brooks. And I promise I would only listen to it when you arenâ??t home!â?

â??No.â?

â??But it wonâ??t bother You.â?

â??Youâ??re right.â?

â??So, see? Itâ??s okay! I can have it and listen to it while
Youâ??re at work and Youâ??ll never even know Iâ??m listening to it!â?

â??No.â?

I stood silently staring at Him for a moment to try and
discern what He was thinking. â??But Youâ??ve never had a problem with me listening
to my music when Youâ??re not home before.â?

â??I said no, rayne. No. Iâ??m not getting you Garth Brooks CDs.
I hate Garth Brooks. Iâ??m not buying it.â?

I couldnâ??t understand what He was saying. â??So what, You donâ??t
like Garth Brooks? I just said I would listen to it while You were at work.�

â??You wonâ??t. You wonâ??t because Iâ??m not buying it. I think you
should shut up now.�

â??But why?â?

He usually doesnâ??t reprimand me in public. I admit I often
use this to my advantage. I push farther than Iâ??d ever dream of pushing at home
where He can just reach out and slap me and not have to worry about someone
saying something. That flew out the window.

â??Will you shut up and stop arguing with me? And donâ??t think
youâ??re getting away with this just because weâ??re not at home.â?

My mouth dropped open and I stared at Him in awe. What the
hell was going on here? Master was not only trying to control who and what I
listened to in my free time, but He was also trying to control how I behaved in
public! How dare Him!

I sulked the entire way home, even shedding a few tears over
a stupid Garth Brooks CD collection. He reprimanded me for my behavior. The 1.1
mile ride felt like a hundred miles as I listened to Him tell me exactly how I
would behave from now on.

â??And youâ??re not getting away with this. You will be punished
for your mouth.�

All the while, I was fighting the urge to run off at the
mouth again. Only this time about how it wasnâ??t fair that He was controlling
what music I listen to. And how Iâ??m not a child who needs her environment
censored. And how my listening to music that He doesnâ??t like when Heâ??s not
around doesnâ??t affect Him in the least. And as I sat there, tears streaming
down my cheeks, I felt another door in my cage slam shut. Another restraint
locked on my body. I felt like my world was getting extremely small. And all He
had taken away was the right to own a CD I wanted that He wasnâ??t interested in.

I remember thinking, â??Did I really give Him this right? Can
He really do this? Can He do it and feel justified?�

I wanted to beg, to scream, to cry, to stomp my feet and
shake my fists. But then I looked at the set of His jaw, the firmness in His
gaze, the grip He had on the steering wheel. And I realized that this was not
open for discussion and any attempts to change His mind would only result in
more punishment for me.

When all was said and done, because of the restraint I
showed (that Iâ??m not even sure Heâ??s aware of) I got one rather hard whack with
the cane for my outburst following a beating for something else Iâ??d done. And
what it comes down to is I still have absolutely no idea why anyone would want
to control or restrict the type of music someone listens to. I definitely donâ??t
know why Master wanted to control the music I listen to that night. I donâ??t
listen to anything, as far as Iâ??m aware, that could interfere in any way with
His training or our lifestyle. But I do know that it is, in fact, a right I
gave Him when I gave Him all of me. And if He chooses to exercise it, thatâ??s
His choice. I donâ??t have to know the reason.

Truth be told, I do want to listen to the music He left on
when He got in the shower today. Unfortunately, it stopped and Iâ??m not allowed
to touch His computer without permission so I canâ??t turn it back on. But it
puts me in a rather reflective state. Itâ??s calming and rather beautiful. And
without it, I probably never would have thought of this post. I should listen
to music more often. Maybe it would save me from this self-induced writerâ??s
block Iâ??ve been stuck in lately.

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