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Confused slave? Not on my watch!

December 19th, 2006

Itâ??s been brought to my attention that I appear confused. That
it seems I donâ??t know what I want or at the very least donâ??t want to be a
slave. I wonâ??t repeat my response to being told this. It was kind of rude.

Maybe this blog was a bad idea. Maybe I just shouldnâ??t write
anymore.

Iâ??m not confused. I do know what I want. I do want to be a
slave.

The only reason I can think for me to even appear confused
is because I write the way I think and I donâ??t always go back to make sure it
all makes sense. Well, makes sense to someone else. And I always say what I
mean. For some reason, people look for some alternate meaning. Or they read it
the way they would mean it and not the way someone who isnâ??t them would mean
it. Or they assume I mean something else and am censoring what Iâ??m thinking. Or
they skip words. Or sentences altogether. Or add words. Or whatever it is they
do.

Stop it.

Yes, I know Iâ??m slave and I shouldnâ??t be ordering people
around, but seriouslyâ?¦ stop it.

If I have a problem, Iâ??m more than capable of a) discussing
it with Master and b) rehashing it here if I feel the need (and am allowed). I
donâ??t have self esteem problems. No, thatâ??s a lie. I do have self esteem
problems, but Iâ??m capable of understanding that itâ??s my problem and no
one elseâ??s and that what matters is Masterâ??s opinion, not mine.

My overactive sexual appetite does sometimes frustrate me,
but what woman who had to beg for release (and was often turned down) wouldnâ??t
be frustrated? I sometimes wonder if thereâ??s something wrong with me because Iâ??m
so oversexed and I donâ??t know any other person in the world who is quite as
insatiable as I am. Thatâ??s not just a word. Masterâ??s taken the time to prove
it. I am quite honestly insatiable. But in the end, I remember that Master
enjoys how sexually needy I am and if He enjoys it then obviously thereâ??s
nothing wrong with me.

I donâ??t censor my thoughts here. If Iâ??m upset, I say Iâ??m
upset. If Iâ??ve done something stupid, I say Iâ??ve done something stupid. If Iâ??m
being an idiot, I say Iâ??m being an idiot. I rant and rave and bitch and
complain and in the end I know what matters. And I thought that was a good
thing.

Iâ??m not confused. Iâ??m a realist. Iâ??m not unsure of myself. I
know that I am owned property. Even when my steps are tentative, they are taken
and I grow from them and that is how it should be. Iâ??m not unhappy. I love
being a slave. I love being HIS slave. This is where I belong. At His
feet.

The questions I ask here are often rhetorical. â??But what if
I want it to be about me?â? The answer to that is â?? Tough. Unless for some
reason He decides to make something about me, it is always about Him. And even
if He did decide to make something about me, it reverts to being about Him when
that something is over. Or in the middle of that something, if He chooses. â??Who/what
am I?â? The answer to that is â?? Whoever or whatever Master wants me to be. It
just so happens that He enjoys my personality (when Iâ??m not being a wanker) and
for the most part I am allowed to be the me that pleases Him (which is not the
wanker). Beyond that, the answer is I am a slave. How that is personified
depends on Masterâ??s mood at any given time.

Iâ??m not fearful of my slavery. I donâ??t worry about whatâ??s
going to happen to me in the long run. I know that, so long as I deserve it, I
will be taken care of. Master takes good care of His property. I am fearful,
sometimes, of becoming something Iâ??m not (a mindless drone) to appease Him, but
in the end I realize that if thatâ??s what He decides He wants, I would give it
to Him because pleasing Him is what thrills me to the core.

Is any of this bad? Maybe in societyâ??s view. But who gives a
flying fuck in a rolling donut about societyâ??s view anyway? Master is my
society. He is my god. And so long as I continue to grow in His training and to
strive to please Him and follow His orders and rules, the rest is unimportant.

And thatâ??s where I am today. Striving to please Him and
following His orders and rules. A slaveâ??s duty is to be pleasing and obey. I
used to think that I didnâ??t even have to think to do that. That it would just
come naturally. I mean, after all, Iâ??m cute as a button! Who wouldnâ??t be
pleased with that? But with as headstrong as I am, thatâ??s a load of crap. Sometimes
itâ??s damned difficult to do what Iâ??m told without opening my big mouth. Being
pleasing while Iâ??m doing what Iâ??m told without opening my big mouth? Thatâ??s
like trying to sneak the last cookie from the cookie jar with bells locked to
your wrists and ankles and taped under the lid. Damn near impossible.

And that last part? Being pleasing while doing something I
donâ??t want to do? Thatâ??s something I seriously have to get a handle on. I donâ??t
know how much longer Masterâ??s going to take me slamming cabinet doors when He
asks for popcorn in the last five seconds of the commercial break. ::grin::

If any of this is confusing or gives the wrong impression,
comment and ask me! Iâ??ll happily clarify. Iâ??m trying to get it in before I have
to leave for work. Work. What a fucking joke. Wish I could call in. ::makes
faces::

So, the question I pose to you, dear reader? Do I still
write? And if I do, do I start censoring my thoughts to avoid someone elseâ??s
confusion? And ultimately, none of your opinions matter as it would seem Iâ??m
owned property. If He says the show must go on, the show must go on. (And Iâ??m
guessing Heâ??s gonna say the show must go on) The question, really, is are you
ballsy enough to ask me what you want to know? Will you listen to what I
say and not what you think I said?

And finally, my question to Masterâ?¦ Should I be
censoring my thoughts here? Should I be sugarcoating what goes on in my
mind sometimes? Or should I present these to you before posting them?

Anywayâ?¦ off to do something with this mop on my head. Gotta
make it fit in that ugly little hat somehow. Blah

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