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Let the punishment fit the crime

December 14th, 2006

So I told you about the transgression. Time to tell you
about the punishment. Blah itâ??s so embarrassing.

Thereâ??s always been a rule that if thereâ??s someone Iâ??m
interested in Iâ??m to tell Master and beg permission to allow them to use me. I
had asked to be allowed to be used by someone. Part of my punishment, since the
transgression involved him, is that I will never be allowed to be used by him.

The rest was to go to work and plug my ass. At work. In my
workâ??s tiny ass restroom. I was then to leave my ass plugged until given
permission to remove it by Master. My ass hurts. I swear my ass crack has no
skin left from the rubbing of wearing the plug while I worked. Iâ??m not
complaining, mind. Just pointing out that it hurts!

Master made me register on slaveregister.com. Whatâ??s weird
is Iâ??ve begged for that before and Heâ??s always said no. I thought it would be
no big deal, really. Just one more thing declaring me slave. It was a big
fucking deal.

I didnâ??t realize that submissives/slaves get to put no name
on this site. Except the name of their owner. And Master made me fill out
everything. All the measurements. Do you have any idea how objectifying it is
to measure your wrists and ankles and realize you already know your collar
measurement because youâ??re wearing one, then put it all on a public website so
anyone who might own you in the future (provided I screw up again, which Iâ??m
sure I wonâ??t) can find it and prepare? I started bugging out, sort of. There
was a lot more involved than â??just one more thing declaring me slaveâ?. Maybe He
knew there would be?

When it was finished, I told Master and He was MIA. I freaked. Instant panic attack. Crying and everything.
Here I am assigned a number before all the world and my Master, the one I
desperately need for support, is gone. He doesnâ??t even care. Heâ??s just not
there.

And I knew that was bull shit. He was busy at work. Heâ??d
been busy all day. Anywayâ?¦

Iâ??m a screw up. Iâ??ll be the first one to admit Iâ??m a screw
up and the last one to punish myself for screwing up after everyone else has
long since forgiven and/or forgotten that I screwed up. I try really hard not
to screw up. And Iâ??m determined to succeed this time. If only because I am a
slave and I am property and property does what its owner tells it to do.

I also, whether itâ??s a good thing or not, want to succeed
because I donâ??t want Master to have a reason to sell me or give me away. This
is a threat that will weigh heavily on my mind for quite some time. While I
will always be a slave, I would prefer to always be His slave. Because
I love Him. Because I am in love with Him. And because I need Him.

He mentioned today that this should not be my primary reason
for striving to succeed. He said that should I suddenly feel I donâ??t need Him,
I should still obey because I am property and property obeys.

Because Iâ??ve done this so many times, itâ??s come down to â??Obey
or lose everything.â? I work because court says I have to. Iâ??m not a criminal or
anything. I have an obligation to pay child support and court says I have to
have a job. Master says if this happens again, I will be quitting my job and I
will just have to suffer the consequences. The lot of you may think thatâ??s
harsh or cruel. Itâ??s within His rights as the one who owns me. And if roles
were reversed, Iâ??d do the exact same thing.

The beginning of this entry, I think, seems a little light
hearted and carefree. Iâ??m not real sure why I do that. I always describe
punishments as if theyâ??re no big deal. And ultimately, I donâ??t suppose it
really would be in the grand scheme of things. Never being able to fuck the guy
I want to fuck is no big deal. Having to wear a plug until my ass is raw is no
big deal. But knowing that Iâ??ve completely wrecked any trust Iâ??d managed to
build again is a huge fucking deal. Reading,
â??Iâ??d rather be without you than go through this again.â? was a huge fucking
deal. And I didnâ??t blow any of it off. Iâ??m still wallowing in it as I write
this. I hate that Iâ??m always screwing up.

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